tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19870769882258429532023-06-20T20:59:29.437-07:00We relaxed... it didn't happen.Lexahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02792937927494552078noreply@blogger.comBlogger68125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1987076988225842953.post-60143825179561073412011-09-21T14:53:00.000-07:002011-09-21T14:53:38.209-07:00Day 2 and 3So far so good.<br />
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Yesterday (day 2) we got our fert result of 5 beautiful wee 4 cells. I should have been over the moon but instead I was too busy writhing in agony as half my face felt like it was dying!<br />
So a whole pile of money and a giant hole in my face later and I am now one big ass wisdom tooth less. Yup, just to add to the stress of this week I had to have a wisdom tooth taken out and now I am lying here, on painkillers and antibiotics sore and feeling sorry for myself.<br />
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Which brings us to day 3. This morning while nursing my swollen and sore face I was also getting my stuff ready for the drive down to Auckland as we were tentatively booked in for a day 3 lunch time transfer. Luckily when the clinic called our wee embabies are still doing well with 3 at 8 cells, 1 9 cell, and 1 slightly fragmented 5 cell, so I don't have to make the drive down there today and we will be going down on Saturday for a day 5 transfer instead. I have done my wee happy dance and crawled back into bed with my ice pack.<br />
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So the next mission is to find accommodation in Auckland for Saturday, yes... the same Saturday that New Zealand vs France IN AUCKLAND. hmmm<br />
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The other thing we're stressed about is the fact that with the last cycle everything was going perfectly and when we arrived on day 5 for transfer (driving for hours through a storm that was closing roads left right and centre) we were told that none of our embies had made it to day 5. If this was to happen again... well I don't even want to think about it. But to say it is constantly in the back of The Mr and my minds is an extreme understatement!<br />
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Oh and did I mention that tomorrow is my birthday? It's ok, with all this going on I almost forgot too.Lexahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02792937927494552078noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1987076988225842953.post-79153319042452923042011-09-19T20:30:00.000-07:002011-09-19T20:30:33.028-07:00My cycle so far in a post.Wow so far this cycle has just flown by! I better give a bit of an update..<br />
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My E2 levels rose quite steeply but there was no stalling of levels like there was in the last cycle, apparently this should mean that the eggs will be of better quality than the last lot.<br />
On our 1st scan they saw 7 follicles, 2 on the left and 5 on the right, on our second scan they thought they saw maybe 9. I continued to have ridiculous side effects from the drugs and when I was triggered on Saturday night my shift on Sunday was complete hell!<br />
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This brings us to yesterday (Monday)<br />
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I went to the clinic yesterday morning absolutely terrified. My last egg collection was very very painful and I had a LOT of bleeding afterwards. As I sat in the little room waiting to go through to theatre with a hot water bottle on my arm and hand (as I have said before, I have the most awful veins) every worst case scenario I could think of went through my mind, all while The Mr was playing the fool trying to cheer me up, succeeding only in pissing me off. I was so sure at one point that all my follicles were void of eggs I just wanted to get into the car and go home!<br />
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The doc mentioned the possibility of me having to use the gas if they couldn't get a needle into me so I lay there thinking 'veiny' thoughts and trying really hard not to flinch with every jab. The last collection was horrid, and that was <i>with </i>fentanyl and midaz... there was no way in hell I was going to go through it without them! After four attempts to gain an IV I finally got the drugs and tried really really hard to pay attention to everything going on around me, but alas, the only thing I can remember is the conversation about the rugby world cup we had just as the drugs were going in :(<br />
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All in all though it was much better than last time, he used a bigger dose of the drugs and I wasn't trying to climb the walls while he was jabbing at my ovaries (bonus hey) We got a total of 6 eggs from the 8 follicles that were there, one on the right was not playing ball and it was a bit of a mission to get into, but they got there in the end. I ended up stuck in recovery for quite some time thanks to some really bad pain on the right hand side, getting more drugs and getting a bit foggy again. In the end I managed to convince the Mr to help me get dressed so I could show the nurse that I was feeling much better and ready to go home! He reluctantly put my shoes on after I promised him I wasn't going to make a break for it. The car trip home was really painful and thanks to the drugs I was in and out of a sleepy stupor.<br />
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Last night was the worst nights sleep I've had in a long long time, I was in constant pain and was so over tired that I was getting really upset by it all. The Mr managed to sleep through most of it, I woke him up about 2am to get me some more pain meds because I just couldn't get up. I am still pretty sore today and have not parted company with my trusty hot water bottle except to refill him, the pain is all on the right hand side still so I am hoping it is just from the effort getting to that tricky little follicle.<br />
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THE CALL<br />
I spent this morning easily distracted from the fact I was waiting for the fert report phone call thanks to the immense pain I was in, in the back of my mind though I was freaking out. When the call did come around 9am I was almost too scared to answer the phone! Turns out I had nothing to worry about, of the 6 eggs we had collected all 6 had fertilized! That's right, a day one 100% fert rate! I am trying not to get my hopes up too much though. If our last cycle taught us anything its how quickly things can turn from perfect to soul destroying with this IVF stuff.<br />
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But for the moment I am happy, happy that our little guys made it through the night, and scared about finding out how they are doing tomorrow.Lexahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02792937927494552078noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1987076988225842953.post-87529571758536096352011-09-11T20:32:00.000-07:002011-09-11T20:32:04.051-07:001st E2 blood test dayToday was my 1st blood test to see how I am responding to the Gonal F. I went in this morning, got butchered again.. yes I know I know, I have terrible veins... then I had a reaction to the hypoallergenic tape they used on all my war wounds and now I am an itchy blotchy mess.. BAH!<br />
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The good news is my levels seem to be ok, I have day 4 levels of just over 300. From what I can figure with my inane googling is that this is an acceptable level. *insert giant sigh of relief here*<br />
I have this nightmare one day that I'm not responding to the stimming at all and then the next day my nightmare is that I am over responding... either way they both end in a cancelled cycle and I turn into a wreck. So all day I have been nervous as all hell waiting for 'that' call to say that they don't want me as a patient anymore, lose their number, don't call us we'll call you rah rah rah... BUT it didn't come, instead I am all go for another blood test and a follicle scan on Thursday morning. Let the stress over the the scan begin.<br />
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To be honest I don't know why I was so so stressed about this blood test, obviously the drugs are doing something.. I am uncomfortable, have the worst headaches on the planet, and I'm just a teensy bit... shall we say tetchy? The Mr. has been pretty good so far, although we got off to a rocky start with this cycle because last time I didn't have any 'mood disturbances' at all just the headaches. This time however I seem to be a lot quicker to bite and he initially just assumed I was being a bitch for the hell of it (don't know where he would have gotten that idea) but now he seems to have developed a new strategy. Today I called him at work to yell at him for using my giant roasting pan to cook 2 measley sausages for his breakfast this morning and then going to work without cleaning it. This normally wouldn't bother me but today it made me see red.. So I call him and have a rant about how I now have to clean the bloody thing so he can have his precious roast pork dinner tonight that he's been looking forward to and you wanna know what he says? "I'm sorry, I was wrong, it was the wrong thing to do"<br />
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Wait, what?!?<br />
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Here I was dressed for war, broadsword in hand, and he rolls on his back and shows me his belly?<br />
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Fool.<br />
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To be honest it was the smartest thing he could have done.. I swear I could hear the smile in his voice when he said it, hell I would be smiling too if I had just shut down the 'super villain' with a few softly spoken words. So here I am, sitting in my lounge, confused, deflated, and after crashing back down to earth.. rational again.<br />
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I was scared the drugs weren't working why???Lexahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02792937927494552078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1987076988225842953.post-53059951369596670022011-09-06T23:20:00.000-07:002011-09-06T23:20:10.481-07:001st needle down.. a fair few to goWell I guess this means its all go. Started my jabs this morning in a mad rush while flat out at work, and true to form it has kicked my ass. The buserelin gives me the most blinding headaches, its just horrid!<br />
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Last cycle I tried to make things a bit 'lighter' by naming my sharps bin (he does come with me morning and night wherever I might be going) Stevie, (get it, Stevie Nicks? Nicks as in sharp stab to the tummy? yeah ok, well I thought it was good). This cycle I am embracing my Bad Santa crush and naming him "Binny-Bob". I am a bit strange like that, I personalize everything... my cars, my fave furniture, even some people. Binny-Bob came to work with me today, probably wouldn't have enjoyed my locker.. I might need to empty out some of the dead things from it. Do sharps bins have a sense of smell? well lets just say they do, anything to get my locker cleaned I guess.<br />
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Speaking of crazy, I barely slept last night, I kept having these dreams that I had slept in and not done my jab in time and they cancelled my cycle. Because of this I was constantly waking up and checking the time, which is just crazy because my alarm was set for 5.30am so I could get in for my early shift. BAH!<br />
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Seriously though, the fact I was in such a rush to do my 1st jab this morning was a good thing, it meant I didn't have time to sit there and think about the cycle and have a freakout about the side effects that I feel oh so many of. I just stabbed and ran, literally.<br />
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So, here we go again!Lexahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02792937927494552078noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1987076988225842953.post-48395921099544979242011-09-05T18:11:00.000-07:002011-09-05T18:11:19.958-07:00Pregnancy announcement land minesAt the risk of swimming against the tide in the IF river, I have a few different opinions on pregnancy announcements etc. Now don't get me wrong, I totally understand the anger felt by some when a friend announces that they are expecting, but I don't feel it. I feel sadness, and jealousy. These feelings are entirely selfish and introspective, I don't get fuming when a friend announces their pregnancy via a scan photo on facebook. In fact I believe that they should be allowed to announce it however they want, after all isn't it also allowed to be the happiest time of <i>their</i> lives too? I love that my best friend is pregnant, it kills me inside just looking at her, makes part of me die every time, but I AM happy for her, and I do want to be there for her every step of the way, I am not angry that she is up the duff and I''m not. I am sad that it is not me, but I would never want to take it away from her to have it myself. I am not implying that all infertiles would, I am just saying that sometimes we get so wrapped up in out own crap that we stop looking at things constructively.<div><br />
</div><div>Us "infertiles" are sometimes labelled (often ourselves) as some of the most bitter people out. I don't know about everyone else but I don't like to wear that on my sleeve. I want to be happy for my friend who has recently had her 5th child, I want to support the friend who just found out she is pregnant and about to become a single mother. At the risk of being drawn and quartered by some IF'ers I also want to be there for my friend who decided that abortion is the best/only option for her. Yes, it makes me sad, and yes, I cry myself to sleep some nights when I go through these things, BUT I am not going to push my friends away because they are having what I can't, regardless of whether they want it or not.</div><div><br />
</div><div>I work in the medical field, I see abused and neglected children all the time, kids being lost in the system and kids that have no future. I wish that more would utilize the adoption process but the fact is you can't force people to do things they don't want to do. The Whangai process here in NZ also reduces the adoption chances with Maori mums being able to give their children to a family member to raise as their own without the extensive legal issues that go along with adoption. Here is some info if you want to read more about whangai. <a href="http://famous.adoption.com/famous/tamaiti-whangai.html">http://famous.adoption.com/famous/tamaiti-whangai.html</a></div><div><br />
</div><div>One thing that I am not happy to sit back and pretend isn't happening is this latest facebook chain game where women are posting fake pregnancy announcements all in the name of 'breast cancer awareness' WTF?!?! Yeah, I won't go into all the details on why and how they do this but they end up looking like "I am 12 weeks and craving peanut butter" etc. They are pathetic and I have put up a fb status telling the world exactly how I feel about it all. I am also not going to go into details about the ins and outs of cancer treatment and resulting infertility, there have been some brilliant blog posts on this topic already. All I will say is that the whole thing reeks of insensitivity, stupidity, and mob mentality. I can only hope that the rest of my friends are smart enough to figure out that it's extremely lame and in bad taste.</div><div><br />
</div><div>This blog post feels a little heavy, I do try to keep things light but lets face it, nothing about this topic is light, it could be the fact that tomorrow I start Buserelin jabs all over again and am in the dumps about the horrid side effects I'm about to be exposed to. </div><div><br />
</div><div>Whatever way you look at it we are all in this experience together and yet we all feel it, deal with it, and live through it in different ways. I am 100% in support of you all no matter how you cope with it, and if you want to throw darts at a photo of a preggers mate till you feel better, I will totally sit there and sharpen them for you.</div><div><br />
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</div>Lexahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02792937927494552078noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1987076988225842953.post-53293537476007790112011-08-30T18:21:00.000-07:002011-08-30T18:21:57.544-07:00I have a new addiction!Thy name is Pinterest.<br />
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HOW have I not stumbled across this site before?!?!?<br />
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I know I am not alone, I have meandered upon a few fellow bloggers and twiffers on there already by pure chance. This seems like the perfect place to find stuff to do on the 2ww we will have coming up in a month. I have already wasted half the day on there today!<br />
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This morning I went and had my 1st lot of acupuncture for this round. I really like my acupuncturist, he's so nice. After that I had to go and have some pre IVF bloods done and of course after a few stabs they decided they couldn't find a vein. I did tell them I was usually difficult, and the fact I am pretty dehydrated from being out with an illness for the last few days wouldn't be helping. So in the end they had to do it newborn style (oh the irony) and take it via finger prick and put it into baby blood tubes *sigh*<br />
So now I not only have 2 hands full of holes and bruises, but I also have a purple throbby finger. :(<br />
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But things are happening, and as much as I try to put the brakes on to slow it all down its just not going to work. I am getting there with working through my fear of this cycle but there's still a fair way to go yet.Lexahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02792937927494552078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1987076988225842953.post-85874356553811289892011-08-18T16:42:00.000-07:002011-08-18T16:42:23.956-07:00For F*#k's Sake!!It doesn't rain, it pours.<br />
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Last night at work I had the honour of having a drunk patient spit blood in face, and by that I'm talking eye, mouth, the works. So I had to stay late and have blood tests taken and fill in a pile of paperwork.<br />
I have to have Hep b & c screening as well as HIV again in 3 months and then again in 6.<br />
The first thing I thought of was, will this affect my IVF cycle?!?! lol priorities huh.<br />
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So I guess I will have to ring the clinic at some stage and at least let them know that I am undergoing screening. but I'm hoping that it won't affect anything with this cycle.<br />
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Really struggling to get up the motivation to go back to work tonightLexahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02792937927494552078noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1987076988225842953.post-66871414061562386352011-08-11T00:44:00.000-07:002011-08-11T00:44:13.433-07:00Here we go againSo, Day One..<br />
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Yep, its all on again. Today was day one so I have started on the pill for 3 weeks and then bring on the needles. To be honest I don't know if I am ready to this all over again. I am terrified of the whole process. When I called the clinic this morning to let them know it was day one I started shaking as soon as I heard the all too familiar telephone prompts. I think the last cycle was so so daunting and towards the end when it started getting soul destroying, it really took a chunk out of my strength to deal with this stuff properly.<br />
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But yesterday I emptied out what last cycle became the 'IVF drawer' in my nightstand so it's all ready to go for this cycle. There is none of the nervous excitement that was there for our last cycle, but I am deep down glad to be getting on with it again... deeeeeeeep down.<br />
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So here we are, Day one of our second cycle of IVF.<br />
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Cross your fingers, toes, arms and legs. Lets get it on.Lexahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02792937927494552078noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1987076988225842953.post-48286100017011427162011-08-04T14:44:00.000-07:002011-08-04T14:44:26.774-07:00To video blog or not to video blog?So it was suggested to me a few months ago that we should do a video blog. Not something to vent, that's what this place is for. I love my fellow bloggers here and how honest we can all be, the slight anonymity on here makes this possible. No, the video blog was to be more for memories of what we did, as well as a way to show family and friends where we were at or maybe even to help people to understand exactly what it is that we all have to go through with this IVF journey. It's all well and good to try to tell people what is involved but most still cannot grasp it. Not even those closest to us.<br />
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So here is my conundrum.... Do I do it? I am such a private person but maybe if there was some humour injected into it we might be able to keep it light? I don't want to whinge and moan I just want to document whats going on. Do I just make it for us and some family and friends or do I go all out and youtube it?<br />
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Opinions?.... Please?Lexahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02792937927494552078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1987076988225842953.post-7114547579838182432011-07-31T15:51:00.000-07:002011-07-31T15:51:01.235-07:00People are stupidNo, not all people. But lets face it, the vast majority.<br />
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We were talking about the new addition to our family (fur baby, photo's to come) to a friend and her husband and about how she was going to be an inside dog, cos lets face it she's part of the family and we have a nice big house.<br />
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Anyway, this guy starts ranting, and I mean literally ranting, on about how he hates people who do that, and why don't these stupid people just have babies instead and dogs are animals that should be outside and if you want a kid just have one and blah blah blah.<br />
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Grrr.<br />
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The poor Mr. had to stand there and take it while I just walked away. I'm pretty sure in his head he was beating the guy senseless but no one would have known it to look at him.<br />
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So I stand by my statement. People are stupid.Lexahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02792937927494552078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1987076988225842953.post-44338159880260368892011-07-17T20:18:00.000-07:002011-07-17T20:18:10.517-07:00Gym junkie?!?!?!?! me?!?!?!?!So I have recently rediscovered the gym. Due to 14 years with a recurrent dislocating patella I have not been able to do any sports at all, just turning a corner would dislocate my knee. I endured 3 surgeries the last being an absolute major that saw me in a wheelchair and off my feet for nearly 4 months and then on crutches for months after that. I still have significant weakness in that leg, and I can only bend it about half as much as the other one BUT it is now strong enough that gym equipment I couldn't dream of using before is now a real possibility to me. So I have joined the gym at the local aquatic centre (swimming is brilliant for my knee) and for the past couple of weeks have really really enjoyed going.<br />
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The first trip I spent 20 minutes sitting in my car trying to work up the courage to go inside, the second time it was only 10. Its not that I am scared of exercise, or even that I don't like it.. I have this weird thing about being around 'people'. Yes, I am a nurse, and before that I was a nightclub manager... people are literally my bread and butter, but as soon as it stops being a professional thing and turns into a private one I am a proper mess. I'm not talking agoraphobia, I'm not quite that bad. Anyway, I got over that eventually and now its only about 5 minutes in the car before I go inside the gym ;)<br />
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Yesterday I was unable to go to the gym, due to my work hours and it being a weekend the gym was closed by the time I got home, and you know what? I physically felt the need to go. I actually -are you sitting down?- WANTED to go. So today as soon as I was free I went straight to the gym and totally killed it!<br />
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Wait, it gets worse.... I came home and did more weight training here!<br />
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Is it weird that I am looking forward to my body aching tomorrow?Lexahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02792937927494552078noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1987076988225842953.post-37962207400171070872011-07-13T22:53:00.000-07:002011-07-13T22:53:03.239-07:00Bad day hangover.So yesterday was a bad bad day, I can't comment on today yet as even though it is early evening I actually haven't been out of bed for very long thanks to the longest night shift of my life last night! I was so happy to finally get home this morning, although I am still feeling emotionally on edge, I can feel the need to burst out crying just hiding on the edge of every thought. Not a nice feeling.<br />
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I spent the entire night shift just wanting to die, it was horrid. I was so emotionally washed out it was ridiculous, most everyone could tell I wasn't right because they all left me alone, which is saying something for a night shift, people tend to start losing the plot a little around 4.30 and are willing to talk garble to anyone near them. Also, I punished the gym equipment yesterday, it made me feel a tiny bit better but not much. At about 2am at work this morning I started paying for that little outing and now I can't lift my arms above shoulder height and muscles I didn't know I had are yelling at me.... loudly.<br />
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So all in all, blah. I am still feeling crappy about everything at the moment. I just want to be pregnant so bad its physically painful. BUT.. I am also ready to move forward... I think? I have spent the last 2 weeks breaking out in sweats whenever I think of doing this next cycle. The thought of the buserelin headaches and -oh my good god- Egg Collection, has literally been bringing me to tears.<br />
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Moving forward will surely be better than living in this turmoil? I hope so anyway.Lexahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02792937927494552078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1987076988225842953.post-58068248664772253022011-07-12T16:55:00.000-07:002011-07-12T16:55:45.389-07:00Hope = Pain?Sometimes I wonder why I am doing all of this. Putting myself through it all. By this I am not talking about losing touch with the end result but I am so sure in my head that this just isn't going to work, that the pain of going through the hope is getting too much. hmm ironic that hope can be so so depressing sometimes.<br />
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As per usual there is the normal run of pregnancy announcements, babies and happy happy people that are adding to the list of things getting me down, I am back to avoiding my pregnant best friend (you will remember she is due the same week we would be if our last IVF had worked) She came to the party we has last week and just suited being pregnant so much it was painful. On the topic of the party, why, if invited to a "fuck you IVF" party would you spend the time talking about your babies milestones etc? (not the bestie, another friend) it just doesn't make sense to me... anyway I am rambling.<br />
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I am seriously struggling with things at the moment, spending your life in limbo waiting to see if something will happen is taking its toll on me, I am starting to get tetchy and I think I need a change in scenery. Of course I can't leave my job because I have maternity leave locked in there in case the next round of IVF works, so instead of loving my job like I used to it feels like a prison sentence, I can't leave even if I wanted to. I am over living in my home town, waiting. I want out, I want a life change.<br />
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The Mr. has been floating ideas about a big concert over new years that would be awesome to go to, of course we can't run out and buy tickets tomorrow because what happens if the next round works? Then I will be a couple of months pregnant... but of course my brain kicks and tells me I'm stupid cos its not going to work, and yet I can't go, just in case.<br />
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Every time I think of the possibility of things going right my heart breaks, if I find my mind slipping off into the imaginary of how things could be it makes me cry.<br />
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You can see why its easy to wonder why I am doing all this sometimes.Lexahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02792937927494552078noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1987076988225842953.post-33342289375591012382011-06-26T13:28:00.000-07:002011-06-26T13:28:16.910-07:006 days till PARTY TIME!This isn't really a post about my stupid infertility, or our crappy IVF journey... its a post about my "screw you IVF" party we are having THIS WEEKEND! arghhh it really snuck up on us.<br />
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As I said in an earlier post we are having a mad hatters tea party. Costumes are pretty much all sorted just need a few more finishing touches. Have a smoke machine sorted and the Mr is cutting out a whole lot of giant mushrooms and a giant caterpillar from wood for me to paint up. I have now got the most ridiculously large collection of tea cups and saucers and a fair whack of tea pots as well.<br />
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But my real conundrum is what food to make and serve?!?! obviously scones are a must but if its going to be a boozy party I need more savory finger foods.... so now I'm stuck....<br />
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help?Lexahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02792937927494552078noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1987076988225842953.post-11201394359857045292011-06-13T22:25:00.000-07:002011-06-13T22:25:04.290-07:00Starting Now.... no wait... Now!Man have I been useless with this caffeine thing, proper useless! Doesn't help that I ran out of caffeine free tea bags the other day and hadn't gotten around to buying more (because of the sheer daylight robbery price of them!) so I have just been drinking normal tea. The other day at work on a particularly horrid shift I even bought a bottle of coke! *cringe*<br />
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So I have been to the supermarket and have my gold coated (I make this assumption based on price per gram) caffeine free tea bags and will begin my caffeine free life all over again. *sigh*<br />
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I swear if there was a cigarette anywhere near me recently I would be jumping back on that bandwagon as well!Lexahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02792937927494552078noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1987076988225842953.post-47761432342416209572011-06-06T22:34:00.001-07:002011-06-06T22:34:40.812-07:00Need a laugh?This site has seriously made my day. Autocorrect... nuff said.<br />
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<a href="http://damnyouautocorrect.com/">http://damnyouautocorrect.com/</a>Lexahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02792937927494552078noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1987076988225842953.post-74646528427928392702011-06-06T17:49:00.000-07:002011-06-06T17:49:31.356-07:00Just not feeling itThis time last cycle I was 100% dedicated to the no caffeine, booze, healthy eating, multivitamin regime that happens in the lead up to IVF. Back then it was exciting to be doing something, exciting that it was nearly time to start injections and get everything started. This time round I not only lack motivation, and enthusiasm. But I also seem to be lacking the ability to give a fuck. Yeah I know, crass and unladylike, but thats just how I am feeling at the moment. Of course I am still not drinking caffeine or booze, I haven't been overly reliable with the multivits though.... ooops, my bad.<br />
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To be honest, I don't want to do it again. I don't want the blinding headaches from the buserelin. Nor do I want the pain that comes later with the Gonal F or the sheer torture of the egg collection blood test days and the 2ww. I will do it again, but I really don't want to.<br />
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There is another reason for me not wanting to do this next cycle of IVF, If the same thing happens that did in the last cycle (great egg and embryo numbers just for them all to die off) then we have to face facts that its probably my eggs and go down the egg donor route. This terrifies me more than all the drug side effects in the world and is not something I am ready to face up to in a hurry.<br />
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So that is where my head is at right now, not the funnest place in the world to be.. I advise Disneyland over this place any day!Lexahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02792937927494552078noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1987076988225842953.post-67529778750959156502011-05-23T16:32:00.000-07:002011-05-23T16:32:20.812-07:00Starting againSo this week I am kicking of the no caffeine, alcohol, crappy food.... pretty much all the things I rely on to get through the day. Last time The Mr. also gave up the booze but that was it. This time around, due to the not so great head space I am in about this cycle, he is also going to give up the caffeine. There is something about knowing you are not suffering alone that makes a girl feel a little better.<br />
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Last time around there was a feeling of almost excitement at this stage because we were finally doing something other than waiting. This time it just ups my anxiety about the whole thing. How do I get excited about going through one of the worst, most painful and disappointing experiences of my life all over again?<br />
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Well its not hard to see that I'm not in the most positive of moods at the moment lolLexahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02792937927494552078noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1987076988225842953.post-84626662550475657302011-05-16T01:27:00.000-07:002011-05-16T01:27:38.038-07:00ARGHHHHHTrue to form with my life at the moment I have been unable to post anything on my blog for the last week, for some reason it just has not been working for me. Urghh, typical lol<br />
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I am in a storm of pregnancy announcements at the moment, surrounded by baby showers at work and a ridiculous amount of pregnant patients as well. I have an associate who is pregnant and skiting about how much booze she can still keep down (I did not deal with that one very well, but screw it.. we should be allowed to use colourful language every now and then) so, as you can see its a pretty shit time around here.. how am I dealing with it? easy,<br />
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I'm throwing a massive party.<br />
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Not your traditional IVF/IF coping strategy granted, but its giving me something fun to do and look forward to and its also a good way of saying thanks to those close to us who have been there for us through all this crap. The theme of said party? lol I am throwing a tea party, I am embracing the very weak grasp I have on my sanity and channeling my inner Mad Hatter. I love a good dress up party. So that is what I am doing with my time at the moment. To be honest it feels good to channel my attention onto something fun and different.<br />
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So thats what I am doing with my time at the moment, I am trying not to bring too much work stuff 'home' with me and just letting go of the small stuff...<br />
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I'll let you know how we get on with thatLexahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02792937927494552078noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1987076988225842953.post-34877732223698127512011-05-02T15:36:00.000-07:002011-05-02T15:36:00.034-07:00Everyone but meTrying not to be bitter recently but I am finding it very hard, surrounded by pregnancy at every turn.. surrounded by babies and doting parents. urghh my stomach is turning just thinking about it.<br />
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What brought all this on? For starters my best friend is pregnant, she is my absolute best friend in the world and I am so so so happy for her and her husband but for some reason this is making me more angry and depressed than the hundreds of pregnancy announcements we have heard since starting out TTC journey over 5 years ago.<br />
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Don't get me wrong, I love my friend and the fact she is preggers and so stoked about it makes me happy. The fact that she is due the same week we would have been had our embie stuck breaks me heart though, and she is the one person I can usually be 100% honest with, but now I find myself holding back and almost avoiding her sometimes as she is just starting to show and I havn't figured out how to deal with her as a pregnant woman. That sounds awful but I don't know how else to put it.<br />
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Woe is me and blah blah blah.. maybe its just this cold weather getting me down but I am finding it hard to stay on top of my game recently.Lexahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02792937927494552078noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1987076988225842953.post-78784288582584074002011-03-22T17:34:00.000-07:002011-03-22T17:34:45.087-07:00A time for reflection and decisions.Hey guys, sorry it has been so long.<br />
I have stayed away from the forums, blogs and groups etc in the (miserable) attempt to get my life back on track and in a straight-ish line. Unfortunately it hasn't all gone to plan and I am still feeling pretty down about everything and hating on life. I know that eventually I will have to crawl out of this hole but I just haven't managed to get there yet.<br />
There is still a good 7-10 months of wait time before we start our next cycle, I am trying to get my body a little more healthy for it but I am seriously lacking the energy to do much.I have managed to lose a few kg's so I guess thats good.<br />
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We have also been discussing our future, thinking about plans etc. We made a decision the other night that if it gets to the point of looking at adoption then it's probably time for us to just stop. We are still going to go to an information evening to get a few facts straight and all that, but, and while I realise this is just what works for us and not others, we need to draw a line in the sand for ourselves. We need to know that this is not going to go on forever and that even if it a sad one, there is an end in sight. We have given ourselves a definite 2 more rounds of IVF and then we will need to do some re-evaluating.<br />
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So that is where I have been all this time, the pressure on our relationship has started to show in the last couple of months but we have re-opened the lines of communication and are looking forward... well as far forward as we will let ourselves anyway.<br />
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So I hope everyone out there in IF land is doing well and moving forwards in their own ways. I have been trying to block out the horrid side effects I suffered from those meds and the emotional pain of the cycle and look forward to our next big shot.Lexahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02792937927494552078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1987076988225842953.post-43586170434835810662011-02-24T21:57:00.000-08:002011-02-24T21:57:32.474-08:00Devastation and heartacheWords just cannot express the heartache our country is going through right now, The Christchurch earthquake that has left many dead, homeless, missing, and their lives ripped apart and has left us all in shock and an absolute state of despair.<br />
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I have been on stand by to go down to Christchurch and help with earthquake relief since that afternoon but don't know when or if I will get down there. I just want to go and help so bad it hurts. I would have been on the helicopter that afternoon had the hospital released me to do so.<br />
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But for now I have to wait and watch, to be there for our family and friends who are down there and wait for that call.Lexahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02792937927494552078noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1987076988225842953.post-9443606704871677262011-02-15T01:06:00.000-08:002011-02-15T01:06:25.065-08:00Screw you IF... I'm going to Malaysia.So I know I have been away for a wee while.. I just needed some time to get back into the swing of 'normal' life and figure out how to get through each day. I still havn't quite managed the latter thanks to a few very challenging days at work recently but I am attempting to feel more positive about having to wait another 9-12months for our next crack at IVF.<br />
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I figure it gives me a decent amount of time to get myself back into shape and pick up the pieces of my neglected work life, I have some study coming up and while it really is the last thing I feel like doing, it probably isn't such a bad idea.<br />
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The main thing that is helping keep me occupied is planning for a trip to Malaysia in April. In my head I have named it the "screw you IF" trip. I am going to eat and drink whatever the hell I want to, I am going to shop and take photo's and watch race cars fly around a track. I am not going to cry over lost babies and opportunities, I am not going to mention out fert doctors name once... well, maybe in one of the screw you toasts I may make.<br />
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So thats what I am doing with my time.Lexahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02792937927494552078noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1987076988225842953.post-25746118186424215292011-02-01T23:11:00.000-08:002011-02-01T23:11:01.223-08:00Fuck it....and that pretty much sums it all up for ya doesn't it.<br />
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BF fucking N<br />
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This will not be a nice eloquent post about my emotions and blahdy blah blah fucking blah. It will merely say (until I feel like saying anything more).....<br />
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Fuck it.Lexahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02792937927494552078noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1987076988225842953.post-82653739294793386802011-01-25T19:17:00.000-08:002011-01-25T19:17:34.754-08:00Step away from the computer!This wouldn't be an infertility/IVF blog if there wasn't a post on the horror that is the 2ww. So here is mine, hopefully you just get the one but I can't guarantee it.<br />
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So our day 6 transfer was on Monday and today is Wednesday.. I have managed to go 2 whole days without googling anything to do with the 2ww... 2 days?!?! is that it? Man it fells like a shite load longer than that. I hate that I am so freaked out and tuned in that every single niggle and tingle makes me think that it's all over red rover.<br />
So this afternoon I started with google. Now I know I shouldn't but it's in my personality to be in control and I hate having no control at all.<br />
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Ok, this is how bad I am, where I work I can order blood tests.. so whats to stop me going in to work on BT day after getting the clinics blood test done and doing one of my own? I mean I can get the results in 40 minutes instead of the half a day it would take through the clinic.. but do I do it or do I just be a good girl and do as I am told? Buggered if I know.<br />
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What I wanna know is how many people do home pregnancy tests during the 2ww. The real numbers, I know there are heaps who do it and don't cop to it. I have no idea if I will do one or not yet, I highly doubt if I will be able to stop myself.<br />
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I need help.Lexahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02792937927494552078noreply@blogger.com5