Ick. Literally, the Buserelin has made me get the worst headaches ever! Not just little, i'll pop a couple paracetamol and drink some water kind of headache either. They are more like help me I can't see, think, breath kind of headaches.
To make things more complicated the Mr. has arranged for us to go to a Fat Freddy's gig tonight out at the beach, which will be awesome as they are brilliant live, but terrible because the sound of the cat breathing sets me off at the moment.
Gee, work on monday is going to be fun, yelling abusive patients and screaming babies *eek*
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Onwards and Upwards
I have just had my 2nd injection for the day, today being day one of Buserelin, the Mr. has done them both for me... the first one this morning he was nervous and obviously wary, but by this evening when it was time for the next one he was all keen and smiling. To be honest I think he may have enjoyed it a little too much.
He has also done his research on how women undergoing IVF treatment get what he calls "the crazy" and so everytime I speak he is busy telling me to calm down and that no one needs to get hurt. At this early stage I can't help but laugh at him, but no doubt that will get real old, real quick.
How do I feel? To be honest I don't know. I feel excited for finally taking the next step forward and then in the same breath I am scolding myself for just that. I feel nervous at what might happen. I hate not knowing things, I am always one step ahead (even though the Mr. thinks he is) so having no control at all, other than my 3 alarms set to make sure I don't forget when its time for the next jab (we both nearly forgot the last one... eek!) is making me feel like a bundle of nerves. Not the good kind.
It truly amazes me as I read other blogs like mine, yes I read them all, just not much of a comment leaver, how many couples and women are going through this as well. We all feel so alone in these struggles, often even isolated from the one person we are going through all this with, and yet there are so much of us doing it. It amazes me at how perpetually optimistic, strong, supportive, and amazing all of these people are who are going through this, some might say roller coaster but I personally like roller coasters and I don't like this so I am going to say torture. Yes I might be slightly emotional because things are happening and I am obviously all mixed up about it but I wanted to make sure that I recognized the others out there who are going through this along with me.
May 2011 be THE year!
He has also done his research on how women undergoing IVF treatment get what he calls "the crazy" and so everytime I speak he is busy telling me to calm down and that no one needs to get hurt. At this early stage I can't help but laugh at him, but no doubt that will get real old, real quick.
How do I feel? To be honest I don't know. I feel excited for finally taking the next step forward and then in the same breath I am scolding myself for just that. I feel nervous at what might happen. I hate not knowing things, I am always one step ahead (even though the Mr. thinks he is) so having no control at all, other than my 3 alarms set to make sure I don't forget when its time for the next jab (we both nearly forgot the last one... eek!) is making me feel like a bundle of nerves. Not the good kind.
It truly amazes me as I read other blogs like mine, yes I read them all, just not much of a comment leaver, how many couples and women are going through this as well. We all feel so alone in these struggles, often even isolated from the one person we are going through all this with, and yet there are so much of us doing it. It amazes me at how perpetually optimistic, strong, supportive, and amazing all of these people are who are going through this, some might say roller coaster but I personally like roller coasters and I don't like this so I am going to say torture. Yes I might be slightly emotional because things are happening and I am obviously all mixed up about it but I wanted to make sure that I recognized the others out there who are going through this along with me.
May 2011 be THE year!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Later 2010, Don't let the door hit ya...
I am so so glad to see the arse end of 2010. Its has been one of the longest, most frustrating years ever, and very reminiscent of a rickety old carnival ride that I want off! So ciao 2010, good riddance. Hello 2011, you better be my damn year!!
We moved into our brand spanking new house last week, hence the radio silence. It is very nice, filled with boxes, and I don't know where anything is that I own, but very nice all the same. There is something very strange about being in a brand new house. Every time I open a closet I can smell fresh paint and the walls are all sooooo clean that I am too scared to touch them. The Mr. is a bit of a perfectionist and notices everything, so I kinda feel like I should be walking around with my hands in my pockets all the time. It feels like we are living in a desert at the moment because we have no grass, just pale, hard, dry dust (try keeping that off the walls!) now I can't grow weeds, so how I am meant to grow grass is beyond me especially up here in the north where we have been facing water restrictions and possible/probable drought. In saying that though we have had a bit of rain lately, but all it takes is a day like today and our land is back to scorched earth again.
The day after we moved (which would have been xmas day) some little bastards broke into the garage at our old house and stole all of the Mr's tools, all of our fishing and diving gear and my snowboarding gear. It was a real nice end to a real shit year basically. So now we are going to have to do the run around getting quotes on everything for insurance.
Being on holiday from work is nice, even though I have spent the whole time working either here or cleaning up and moving from the old rental. I was starting to get very very detached from my job, which is not a good thing working in an environment like the emergency department. It doesn't help that I seem to get all the miscarriages, ectopics, babies having babies, and pre term births etc when I am on. Also we had a bad run in the lead up to and on Christmas, we were very busy and there were some sad sad days. Nature of the beast and all that but man did I need a holiday! Still have one week of holiday left to go which is fantastic. Hopefully I get my fighting spirit back again before going back to work.
I had a couple of little drinks over the xmas/new years period. not many, I could literally count them on one hand. But it was great, I didn't have any Bacardi though for fear of not being able to put the bottle away again, unless it counts when it is empty ;) But now it is back on the tea total (not real tea mind, caffeine and all that) and trying to watch what I eat blah blah blah.
Not so easy to do when there is a fridge full of Christmas basket chocolates.
We moved into our brand spanking new house last week, hence the radio silence. It is very nice, filled with boxes, and I don't know where anything is that I own, but very nice all the same. There is something very strange about being in a brand new house. Every time I open a closet I can smell fresh paint and the walls are all sooooo clean that I am too scared to touch them. The Mr. is a bit of a perfectionist and notices everything, so I kinda feel like I should be walking around with my hands in my pockets all the time. It feels like we are living in a desert at the moment because we have no grass, just pale, hard, dry dust (try keeping that off the walls!) now I can't grow weeds, so how I am meant to grow grass is beyond me especially up here in the north where we have been facing water restrictions and possible/probable drought. In saying that though we have had a bit of rain lately, but all it takes is a day like today and our land is back to scorched earth again.
The day after we moved (which would have been xmas day) some little bastards broke into the garage at our old house and stole all of the Mr's tools, all of our fishing and diving gear and my snowboarding gear. It was a real nice end to a real shit year basically. So now we are going to have to do the run around getting quotes on everything for insurance.
Being on holiday from work is nice, even though I have spent the whole time working either here or cleaning up and moving from the old rental. I was starting to get very very detached from my job, which is not a good thing working in an environment like the emergency department. It doesn't help that I seem to get all the miscarriages, ectopics, babies having babies, and pre term births etc when I am on. Also we had a bad run in the lead up to and on Christmas, we were very busy and there were some sad sad days. Nature of the beast and all that but man did I need a holiday! Still have one week of holiday left to go which is fantastic. Hopefully I get my fighting spirit back again before going back to work.
I had a couple of little drinks over the xmas/new years period. not many, I could literally count them on one hand. But it was great, I didn't have any Bacardi though for fear of not being able to put the bottle away again, unless it counts when it is empty ;) But now it is back on the tea total (not real tea mind, caffeine and all that) and trying to watch what I eat blah blah blah.
Not so easy to do when there is a fridge full of Christmas basket chocolates.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
The tornado that is my life.
Apologies for lack in updates, my world has been a whirlwind of action lately!
Tomorrow is moving day into our brand spanking new house, this has been both exciting and stressful! I hate packing and I hate it even more in 34 degree heat. So we have been at action stations getting everything done over the last couple of weeks.
On the IVF front it has been a whole other kind of whirlwind... Had our appointment on the 17th to pick up drugs and sign consent forms etc etc and our FS had forgotten the meds, and his computer wasn't working at all (he was going to go over our blood and scan results with us in detail to go over the change in protocol etc) so it was a complete waste of time. He made a joke (YES A FUCKING JOKE) about how I might want to look into my younger sister as an egg donor, Ummm I have 7 brothers.... ain't none of them got any eggs. So as this was the 1st mention of the increased possibility of me needing egg donors I was instantly put into a state of shock. I know it shouldn't have alarmed me so much as I had done some reading on elevated FSH and low AMH etc but the way it was tackled just threw me on the defensive and upset me no end. The appointment lasted all of 10 minutes and then I had to go to work, where while on the floor dealing with sick patients the reality of it all set in and I had my 1st post appt freak out (yes there have been more than one).
So I finally got my drugs on Monday and thats very cool, makes me feel like I am getting somewhere but I have this awful feeling. In the medical field there is a specific time where a person has, quite literally, an impending feeling of doom. Often this precedes a massive MI, or heart attack. Sounds bizarre but its true, there are a few other things too but I don't need to cover that lot. Anyway, what was I talking about? oh yeah, my own little feeling of doom... Up until these blood results our perceived fertility problems were related to my tubal scarring and inability to get said egg to the right spot. But now, oh now we have a whole new world of problems! So I have gone from having nothing but positive thoughts about how IVF was going to work, to an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that just won't go away. I try not to be all doom and gloom but it's stopping me from sleeping now and I can barely concentrate at work and I know this is all normal crazy IVF stuff but I am really struggling to deal with it at the moment.
On a brighter note, the Mr has just booked tickets to Malaysia to watch the F1 in April. So I am either going to KL preggers or its something to look forward to if the cycle doesn't work.
Tomorrow is moving day into our brand spanking new house, this has been both exciting and stressful! I hate packing and I hate it even more in 34 degree heat. So we have been at action stations getting everything done over the last couple of weeks.
On the IVF front it has been a whole other kind of whirlwind... Had our appointment on the 17th to pick up drugs and sign consent forms etc etc and our FS had forgotten the meds, and his computer wasn't working at all (he was going to go over our blood and scan results with us in detail to go over the change in protocol etc) so it was a complete waste of time. He made a joke (YES A FUCKING JOKE) about how I might want to look into my younger sister as an egg donor, Ummm I have 7 brothers.... ain't none of them got any eggs. So as this was the 1st mention of the increased possibility of me needing egg donors I was instantly put into a state of shock. I know it shouldn't have alarmed me so much as I had done some reading on elevated FSH and low AMH etc but the way it was tackled just threw me on the defensive and upset me no end. The appointment lasted all of 10 minutes and then I had to go to work, where while on the floor dealing with sick patients the reality of it all set in and I had my 1st post appt freak out (yes there have been more than one).
So I finally got my drugs on Monday and thats very cool, makes me feel like I am getting somewhere but I have this awful feeling. In the medical field there is a specific time where a person has, quite literally, an impending feeling of doom. Often this precedes a massive MI, or heart attack. Sounds bizarre but its true, there are a few other things too but I don't need to cover that lot. Anyway, what was I talking about? oh yeah, my own little feeling of doom... Up until these blood results our perceived fertility problems were related to my tubal scarring and inability to get said egg to the right spot. But now, oh now we have a whole new world of problems! So I have gone from having nothing but positive thoughts about how IVF was going to work, to an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that just won't go away. I try not to be all doom and gloom but it's stopping me from sleeping now and I can barely concentrate at work and I know this is all normal crazy IVF stuff but I am really struggling to deal with it at the moment.
On a brighter note, the Mr has just booked tickets to Malaysia to watch the F1 in April. So I am either going to KL preggers or its something to look forward to if the cycle doesn't work.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Big week.
This week in the year is always an emotional one, on one hand I am a total christmas fiend and I start getting mighty excited by around the 10th of December. The 13th of December is our wedding anniversary which is fantastic and then the 14th, today, is a more somber anniversary.
Today was meant to be my due date for our wee baby that ended up as an ectopic pregnancy. He or she would have been 3 this year. I spend this day wondering what if? Wondering if there was anything I could have done differently and what our life might have been like if things had turned out right. I know this kind of thinking is not productive, but I can't help it.
To totally top this all off I have been on night shifts so slept through most of my anniversary and then on that evening came down with some kind of bug where I have been throwing up and my ears and throat hurt like hell.
Feeling rather sorry for myself today.
Today was meant to be my due date for our wee baby that ended up as an ectopic pregnancy. He or she would have been 3 this year. I spend this day wondering what if? Wondering if there was anything I could have done differently and what our life might have been like if things had turned out right. I know this kind of thinking is not productive, but I can't help it.
To totally top this all off I have been on night shifts so slept through most of my anniversary and then on that evening came down with some kind of bug where I have been throwing up and my ears and throat hurt like hell.
Feeling rather sorry for myself today.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Let there be DATES!!
FS nurse phoned me this morning to inform me that my latest lot of bloods show an increased FSH and a slightly low AMH. I would have thought they might have shown up last time I had bloods taken but oh well.
Anyway, due to this new information coming to light my cycle has been changed to a micro flare protocol, so I have dates!! I am going to start buserelin injections twice a day on the 5th of Jan and then introduce Gonal F on the 7th. I will have a blood test on the 10th to see how I am responding and if all is going well It will be a scan around the 12th and egg collection around the 17th.
This is a lot for my poor little self to take in, I think I am so used to the dreaded wait that I never actually thought anything was going to happen.
So now I have to wake myself up from my little world and get organised!
Anyway, due to this new information coming to light my cycle has been changed to a micro flare protocol, so I have dates!! I am going to start buserelin injections twice a day on the 5th of Jan and then introduce Gonal F on the 7th. I will have a blood test on the 10th to see how I am responding and if all is going well It will be a scan around the 12th and egg collection around the 17th.
This is a lot for my poor little self to take in, I think I am so used to the dreaded wait that I never actually thought anything was going to happen.
So now I have to wake myself up from my little world and get organised!
Monday, December 6, 2010
Day One!!
Yes thats right, day fricken one!
It is the official first day of our IVF cycle. This somehow makes the excruciatingly painful few days that is my AF slightly more bearable. I mean, this is the 1st time I have actually looked forward to AF arriving since.. well since forever! I knew it was going to come a few days early this month, I have been horridly grumpy and moody for the last little while lol.
So, we are now on our way.. bring on mood swings, emotional breakdowns and heartache, stress and nervousness!
Strap in, its going to be a bumpy ride.... maybe I should buy the Mr. a safety helmet?
It is the official first day of our IVF cycle. This somehow makes the excruciatingly painful few days that is my AF slightly more bearable. I mean, this is the 1st time I have actually looked forward to AF arriving since.. well since forever! I knew it was going to come a few days early this month, I have been horridly grumpy and moody for the last little while lol.
So, we are now on our way.. bring on mood swings, emotional breakdowns and heartache, stress and nervousness!
Strap in, its going to be a bumpy ride.... maybe I should buy the Mr. a safety helmet?
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