Hey guys, sorry it has been so long.
I have stayed away from the forums, blogs and groups etc in the (miserable) attempt to get my life back on track and in a straight-ish line. Unfortunately it hasn't all gone to plan and I am still feeling pretty down about everything and hating on life. I know that eventually I will have to crawl out of this hole but I just haven't managed to get there yet.
There is still a good 7-10 months of wait time before we start our next cycle, I am trying to get my body a little more healthy for it but I am seriously lacking the energy to do much.I have managed to lose a few kg's so I guess thats good.
We have also been discussing our future, thinking about plans etc. We made a decision the other night that if it gets to the point of looking at adoption then it's probably time for us to just stop. We are still going to go to an information evening to get a few facts straight and all that, but, and while I realise this is just what works for us and not others, we need to draw a line in the sand for ourselves. We need to know that this is not going to go on forever and that even if it a sad one, there is an end in sight. We have given ourselves a definite 2 more rounds of IVF and then we will need to do some re-evaluating.
So that is where I have been all this time, the pressure on our relationship has started to show in the last couple of months but we have re-opened the lines of communication and are looking forward... well as far forward as we will let ourselves anyway.
So I hope everyone out there in IF land is doing well and moving forwards in their own ways. I have been trying to block out the horrid side effects I suffered from those meds and the emotional pain of the cycle and look forward to our next big shot.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Devastation and heartache
Words just cannot express the heartache our country is going through right now, The Christchurch earthquake that has left many dead, homeless, missing, and their lives ripped apart and has left us all in shock and an absolute state of despair.
I have been on stand by to go down to Christchurch and help with earthquake relief since that afternoon but don't know when or if I will get down there. I just want to go and help so bad it hurts. I would have been on the helicopter that afternoon had the hospital released me to do so.
But for now I have to wait and watch, to be there for our family and friends who are down there and wait for that call.
I have been on stand by to go down to Christchurch and help with earthquake relief since that afternoon but don't know when or if I will get down there. I just want to go and help so bad it hurts. I would have been on the helicopter that afternoon had the hospital released me to do so.
But for now I have to wait and watch, to be there for our family and friends who are down there and wait for that call.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Screw you IF... I'm going to Malaysia.
So I know I have been away for a wee while.. I just needed some time to get back into the swing of 'normal' life and figure out how to get through each day. I still havn't quite managed the latter thanks to a few very challenging days at work recently but I am attempting to feel more positive about having to wait another 9-12months for our next crack at IVF.
I figure it gives me a decent amount of time to get myself back into shape and pick up the pieces of my neglected work life, I have some study coming up and while it really is the last thing I feel like doing, it probably isn't such a bad idea.
The main thing that is helping keep me occupied is planning for a trip to Malaysia in April. In my head I have named it the "screw you IF" trip. I am going to eat and drink whatever the hell I want to, I am going to shop and take photo's and watch race cars fly around a track. I am not going to cry over lost babies and opportunities, I am not going to mention out fert doctors name once... well, maybe in one of the screw you toasts I may make.
So thats what I am doing with my time.
I figure it gives me a decent amount of time to get myself back into shape and pick up the pieces of my neglected work life, I have some study coming up and while it really is the last thing I feel like doing, it probably isn't such a bad idea.
The main thing that is helping keep me occupied is planning for a trip to Malaysia in April. In my head I have named it the "screw you IF" trip. I am going to eat and drink whatever the hell I want to, I am going to shop and take photo's and watch race cars fly around a track. I am not going to cry over lost babies and opportunities, I am not going to mention out fert doctors name once... well, maybe in one of the screw you toasts I may make.
So thats what I am doing with my time.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Fuck it.
...and that pretty much sums it all up for ya doesn't it.
BF fucking N
This will not be a nice eloquent post about my emotions and blahdy blah blah fucking blah. It will merely say (until I feel like saying anything more).....
Fuck it.
BF fucking N
This will not be a nice eloquent post about my emotions and blahdy blah blah fucking blah. It will merely say (until I feel like saying anything more).....
Fuck it.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Step away from the computer!
This wouldn't be an infertility/IVF blog if there wasn't a post on the horror that is the 2ww. So here is mine, hopefully you just get the one but I can't guarantee it.
So our day 6 transfer was on Monday and today is Wednesday.. I have managed to go 2 whole days without googling anything to do with the 2ww... 2 days?!?! is that it? Man it fells like a shite load longer than that. I hate that I am so freaked out and tuned in that every single niggle and tingle makes me think that it's all over red rover.
So this afternoon I started with google. Now I know I shouldn't but it's in my personality to be in control and I hate having no control at all.
Ok, this is how bad I am, where I work I can order blood tests.. so whats to stop me going in to work on BT day after getting the clinics blood test done and doing one of my own? I mean I can get the results in 40 minutes instead of the half a day it would take through the clinic.. but do I do it or do I just be a good girl and do as I am told? Buggered if I know.
What I wanna know is how many people do home pregnancy tests during the 2ww. The real numbers, I know there are heaps who do it and don't cop to it. I have no idea if I will do one or not yet, I highly doubt if I will be able to stop myself.
I need help.
So our day 6 transfer was on Monday and today is Wednesday.. I have managed to go 2 whole days without googling anything to do with the 2ww... 2 days?!?! is that it? Man it fells like a shite load longer than that. I hate that I am so freaked out and tuned in that every single niggle and tingle makes me think that it's all over red rover.
So this afternoon I started with google. Now I know I shouldn't but it's in my personality to be in control and I hate having no control at all.
Ok, this is how bad I am, where I work I can order blood tests.. so whats to stop me going in to work on BT day after getting the clinics blood test done and doing one of my own? I mean I can get the results in 40 minutes instead of the half a day it would take through the clinic.. but do I do it or do I just be a good girl and do as I am told? Buggered if I know.
What I wanna know is how many people do home pregnancy tests during the 2ww. The real numbers, I know there are heaps who do it and don't cop to it. I have no idea if I will do one or not yet, I highly doubt if I will be able to stop myself.
I need help.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Transfer day.....?
Ok, so I was going to write all about our transfer etc yesterday but was tired and over it and just didn't feel like it, so now I will attempt to write about Sunday, the big transfer day.
Sunday, Day 5, The worst weather for god know's how long. I am talking torrential rain, floods everywhere including on the roads. The motorway looked like a fast moving river and we were fighting the wind to stay on the road. Not that we cared mind, it was a long 2.5hour drive but shit, Its Transfer Day!!!
After a mammoth drive to the clinic, only just getting there in the nick of time the nurse gets me to chuck on my gown and sit there to wait to have transfer... then shit got real. The Dr and embryologist come into the room, but instead of telling us the plan etc the doc opens with; "there's a problem" now this is the part where for a split second my mind goes somewhere else and he says, "The problem is you have too many perfect blasts and we just can't pick one, we need you to help us draw straws"... and then I remembered that this was happening to ME and so the news was not going to be good...
The problem it turned out, was that none of the 7 we had on day 3 had made it to blast.. What the shit? we had 7, 7!!! then they tell us that 3 hadnt made it through day 4, fine we accept that there is always a decline with this stuff, and that there were four that they were expecting to make it to day 5 but they didnt. So the choice was stay overnight in Auckland and see how they go, if by some small miracle something made it overnight we could come back and have it put back. Or go home, wait for the phone call in the morning and just try to relax.
I was a mess, and I mean a proper fucking mess, we sat in the car for an hour before deciding half ass'd to go get something to eat and then couldn't decide what we wanted. I just wanted to go home, screw the storm of the century and screw the clinic.. I want my bed. We had to stop in at Albany, it was still raining heavily and we still needed to eat. By this stage I had been crying for a couple hours and was at the numb stage. The Mr. talked me into just going and sitting in the cinema for a couple of hours, so that is what we did. I don't remember bugger all of the film and I spent half of it staring at the back of the seat in front of me but we went all the same. This was really difficult for me, I had it stuck in my head that by going to the movie we were just being too lax about the fact that it might all be over. But in hindsight it was probably a good thing to do, it gave us time to just be numb and not have to do anything else. I did have a mini meltdown in the food court though, surrounded by pregger women, babies, and a heck of a lot of people.. I just needed out, could not handle it at all.
Over this weekend we also had the Mr's friend from the UK staying with us and we had arranged to go out to dinner with him and his new wife that night, originally it was going to be a night of celebration not of grief. We agreed that we should still go, do something semi normal. After all we couldn't do anything about anything until Monday morning when the clinic called. So we went to a restaurant that friends of ours own and ate good food, I had half a glass of good red wine and we had a shisha pipe (green apple flavour) It felt good to be normal, to not be obsessed with my IVF diet and just hang out. Granted I was a complete zombie most of the time, but still.. it was nice.
Monday morning... ohhh man, I was awake from 4am, no shit I felt like I was going to rip all my skin off I was so nervous. I spent the morning watching the phone and waiting. When it rang the Mr. answered it, there was no way I was going near it! I watched him from the other end of the hallway, when he sat there with his head in has hands thanking the person on the other end of the phone with every ounce of his heart I knew there had been some sort of small miracle. Turned out one, ONE! made it to blast, so we were going down again, this time for a day 6 transfer.
Normally when we go to the clinic I make an effort, like I do my hair and try to look semi nice for the people who are trying to impregnate me. This time though they were just lucky I dressed. Still with the numb feeling all through me we went down and sat in the little room again, in my gown again, and waited for someone to come in and tell us there was a fuck up.. no embryo's had survived.
Bert the embryologist (yes thats his name.. and he was like an energizer bunny) came in and told us that we had a perfect looking blast. He went on to talk about the day 6 transfer and how this one was one of the slower embryo's the entire process and that maybe we would be pregnant for 11 months instead of 9 (hardy har!) This was the point where I had my first ounce of feeling. Something positive to grasp onto.
Transfer went well, a lot more uncomfortable than I imagined but it went well. Afterwards we got something to eat and chilled out looking in shops etc before making the drive home to 'relax'
So that is my transfer story, definitely not what anyone was expecting, the day that was meant to be the best was the worst day I have had in a very very very long time..
I just hope that wasn't the last of my miracles.
Sunday, Day 5, The worst weather for god know's how long. I am talking torrential rain, floods everywhere including on the roads. The motorway looked like a fast moving river and we were fighting the wind to stay on the road. Not that we cared mind, it was a long 2.5hour drive but shit, Its Transfer Day!!!
After a mammoth drive to the clinic, only just getting there in the nick of time the nurse gets me to chuck on my gown and sit there to wait to have transfer... then shit got real. The Dr and embryologist come into the room, but instead of telling us the plan etc the doc opens with; "there's a problem" now this is the part where for a split second my mind goes somewhere else and he says, "The problem is you have too many perfect blasts and we just can't pick one, we need you to help us draw straws"... and then I remembered that this was happening to ME and so the news was not going to be good...
The problem it turned out, was that none of the 7 we had on day 3 had made it to blast.. What the shit? we had 7, 7!!! then they tell us that 3 hadnt made it through day 4, fine we accept that there is always a decline with this stuff, and that there were four that they were expecting to make it to day 5 but they didnt. So the choice was stay overnight in Auckland and see how they go, if by some small miracle something made it overnight we could come back and have it put back. Or go home, wait for the phone call in the morning and just try to relax.
I was a mess, and I mean a proper fucking mess, we sat in the car for an hour before deciding half ass'd to go get something to eat and then couldn't decide what we wanted. I just wanted to go home, screw the storm of the century and screw the clinic.. I want my bed. We had to stop in at Albany, it was still raining heavily and we still needed to eat. By this stage I had been crying for a couple hours and was at the numb stage. The Mr. talked me into just going and sitting in the cinema for a couple of hours, so that is what we did. I don't remember bugger all of the film and I spent half of it staring at the back of the seat in front of me but we went all the same. This was really difficult for me, I had it stuck in my head that by going to the movie we were just being too lax about the fact that it might all be over. But in hindsight it was probably a good thing to do, it gave us time to just be numb and not have to do anything else. I did have a mini meltdown in the food court though, surrounded by pregger women, babies, and a heck of a lot of people.. I just needed out, could not handle it at all.
Over this weekend we also had the Mr's friend from the UK staying with us and we had arranged to go out to dinner with him and his new wife that night, originally it was going to be a night of celebration not of grief. We agreed that we should still go, do something semi normal. After all we couldn't do anything about anything until Monday morning when the clinic called. So we went to a restaurant that friends of ours own and ate good food, I had half a glass of good red wine and we had a shisha pipe (green apple flavour) It felt good to be normal, to not be obsessed with my IVF diet and just hang out. Granted I was a complete zombie most of the time, but still.. it was nice.
Monday morning... ohhh man, I was awake from 4am, no shit I felt like I was going to rip all my skin off I was so nervous. I spent the morning watching the phone and waiting. When it rang the Mr. answered it, there was no way I was going near it! I watched him from the other end of the hallway, when he sat there with his head in has hands thanking the person on the other end of the phone with every ounce of his heart I knew there had been some sort of small miracle. Turned out one, ONE! made it to blast, so we were going down again, this time for a day 6 transfer.
Normally when we go to the clinic I make an effort, like I do my hair and try to look semi nice for the people who are trying to impregnate me. This time though they were just lucky I dressed. Still with the numb feeling all through me we went down and sat in the little room again, in my gown again, and waited for someone to come in and tell us there was a fuck up.. no embryo's had survived.
Bert the embryologist (yes thats his name.. and he was like an energizer bunny) came in and told us that we had a perfect looking blast. He went on to talk about the day 6 transfer and how this one was one of the slower embryo's the entire process and that maybe we would be pregnant for 11 months instead of 9 (hardy har!) This was the point where I had my first ounce of feeling. Something positive to grasp onto.
Transfer went well, a lot more uncomfortable than I imagined but it went well. Afterwards we got something to eat and chilled out looking in shops etc before making the drive home to 'relax'
So that is my transfer story, definitely not what anyone was expecting, the day that was meant to be the best was the worst day I have had in a very very very long time..
I just hope that wasn't the last of my miracles.
Friday, January 21, 2011
My little breakdown
Yesterday, which was day 3 started out pretty well and then in the afternoon about an hour before I was meant to start work I started getting horrible crampy pains, they were awful! Of course 1st place your brain goes is OHSS, which then leads the brain to the freak out that they will not transfer and will have to freeze all.
This of course led straight to me feaking out and turning into a hot mess about not getting to do transfer.
So today I feel much better, have taken the day off work though so that I can take it easy today for transfer in the morning. I have a slight pang of guilt for calling in 'sick' today but if I didn't and the embie didn't take I would regret it forever I just know it.
So getting my positive thinking hat on my head and looking forward to tomorrow morning.
This of course led straight to me feaking out and turning into a hot mess about not getting to do transfer.
So today I feel much better, have taken the day off work though so that I can take it easy today for transfer in the morning. I have a slight pang of guilt for calling in 'sick' today but if I didn't and the embie didn't take I would regret it forever I just know it.
So getting my positive thinking hat on my head and looking forward to tomorrow morning.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)