Sometimes I wonder why I am doing all of this. Putting myself through it all. By this I am not talking about losing touch with the end result but I am so sure in my head that this just isn't going to work, that the pain of going through the hope is getting too much. hmm ironic that hope can be so so depressing sometimes.
As per usual there is the normal run of pregnancy announcements, babies and happy happy people that are adding to the list of things getting me down, I am back to avoiding my pregnant best friend (you will remember she is due the same week we would be if our last IVF had worked) She came to the party we has last week and just suited being pregnant so much it was painful. On the topic of the party, why, if invited to a "fuck you IVF" party would you spend the time talking about your babies milestones etc? (not the bestie, another friend) it just doesn't make sense to me... anyway I am rambling.
I am seriously struggling with things at the moment, spending your life in limbo waiting to see if something will happen is taking its toll on me, I am starting to get tetchy and I think I need a change in scenery. Of course I can't leave my job because I have maternity leave locked in there in case the next round of IVF works, so instead of loving my job like I used to it feels like a prison sentence, I can't leave even if I wanted to. I am over living in my home town, waiting. I want out, I want a life change.
The Mr. has been floating ideas about a big concert over new years that would be awesome to go to, of course we can't run out and buy tickets tomorrow because what happens if the next round works? Then I will be a couple of months pregnant... but of course my brain kicks and tells me I'm stupid cos its not going to work, and yet I can't go, just in case.
Every time I think of the possibility of things going right my heart breaks, if I find my mind slipping off into the imaginary of how things could be it makes me cry.
You can see why its easy to wonder why I am doing all this sometimes.
Wow, can't believe someone would do that (go on about babies knowing your circumstances).
ReplyDeleteI totally relate to your misery, I too feel crappy when I think about what might have happened had we not had any problems.