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Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Day 2 and 3

So far so good.

Yesterday (day 2) we got our fert result of 5 beautiful wee 4 cells. I should have been over the moon but instead I was too busy writhing in agony as half my face felt like it was dying!
So a whole pile of money and a giant hole in my face later and I am now one big ass wisdom tooth less. Yup, just to add to the stress of this week I had to have a wisdom tooth taken out and now I am lying here, on painkillers and antibiotics sore and feeling sorry for myself.

Which brings us to day 3. This morning while nursing my swollen and sore face I was also getting my stuff ready for the drive down to Auckland as we were tentatively booked in for a day 3 lunch time transfer. Luckily when the clinic called our wee embabies are still doing well with 3 at 8 cells, 1 9 cell, and 1 slightly fragmented 5 cell, so I don't have to make the drive down there today and we will be going down on Saturday for a day 5 transfer instead.  I have done my wee happy dance and crawled back into bed with my ice pack.

So the next mission is to find accommodation in Auckland for Saturday, yes... the same Saturday that New Zealand vs France IN AUCKLAND. hmmm

The other thing we're stressed about is the fact that with the last cycle everything was going perfectly and when we arrived on day 5 for transfer (driving for hours through a storm that was closing roads left right and centre) we were told that none of our embies had made it to day 5. If this was to happen again... well I don't even want to think about it. But to say it is constantly in the back of The Mr and my minds is an extreme understatement!

Oh and did I mention that tomorrow is my birthday? It's ok, with all this going on I almost forgot too.

Monday, September 19, 2011

My cycle so far in a post.

Wow so far this cycle has just flown by! I better give a bit of an update..

My E2 levels rose quite steeply but there was no stalling of levels like there was in the last cycle, apparently this should mean that the eggs will be of better quality than the last lot.
On our 1st scan they saw 7 follicles, 2 on the left and 5 on the right, on our second scan they thought they saw maybe 9. I continued to have ridiculous side effects from the drugs and when I was triggered on Saturday night my shift on Sunday was complete hell!

This brings us to yesterday (Monday)

I went to the clinic yesterday morning absolutely terrified. My last egg collection was very very painful and I had a LOT of bleeding afterwards. As I sat in the little room waiting to go through to theatre with a hot water bottle on my arm and hand (as I have said before, I have the most awful veins) every worst case scenario I could think of went through my mind, all while The Mr was playing the fool trying to cheer me up, succeeding only in pissing me off. I was so sure at one point that all my follicles were void of eggs I just wanted to get into the car and go home!

The doc mentioned the possibility of me having to use the gas if they couldn't get a needle into me so I lay there thinking 'veiny' thoughts and trying really hard not to flinch with every jab. The last collection was horrid, and that was with fentanyl and midaz... there was no way in hell I was going to go through it without them! After four attempts to gain an IV I finally got the drugs and tried really really hard to pay attention to everything going on around me, but alas, the only thing I can remember is the conversation about the rugby world cup we had just as the drugs were going in :(

All in all though it was much better than last time, he used a bigger dose of the drugs and I wasn't trying to climb the walls while he was jabbing at my ovaries (bonus hey) We got a total of 6 eggs from the 8 follicles that were there, one on the right was not playing ball and it was a bit of a mission to get into, but they got there in the end. I ended up stuck in recovery for quite some time thanks to some really bad pain on the right hand side, getting more drugs and getting a bit foggy again. In the end I managed to convince the Mr to help me get dressed so I could show the nurse that I was feeling much better and ready to go home! He reluctantly put my shoes on after I promised him I wasn't going to make a break for it. The car trip home was really painful and thanks to the drugs I was in and out of a sleepy stupor.

Last night was the worst nights sleep I've had in a long long time, I was in constant pain and was so over tired that I was getting really upset by it all. The Mr managed to sleep through most of it, I woke him up about 2am to get me some more pain meds because I just couldn't get up. I am still pretty sore today and have not parted company with my trusty hot water bottle except to refill him, the pain is all on the right hand side still so I am hoping it is just from the effort getting to that tricky little follicle.

THE CALL
I spent this morning easily distracted from the fact I was waiting for the fert report phone call thanks to the immense pain I was in, in the back of my mind though I was freaking out. When the call did come around 9am I was almost too scared to answer the phone! Turns out I had nothing to worry about, of the 6 eggs we had collected all 6 had fertilized! That's right, a day one 100% fert rate! I am trying not to get my hopes up too much though. If our last cycle taught us anything its how quickly things can turn from perfect to soul destroying with this IVF stuff.

But for the moment I am happy, happy that our little guys made it through the night, and scared about finding out how they are doing tomorrow.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

1st E2 blood test day

Today was my 1st blood test to see how I am responding to the Gonal F. I went in this morning, got butchered again.. yes I know I know, I have terrible veins... then I had a reaction to the hypoallergenic tape they used on all my war wounds and now I am an itchy blotchy mess.. BAH!

The good news is my levels seem to be ok, I have day 4 levels of just over 300. From what I can figure with my inane googling is that this is an acceptable level. *insert giant sigh of relief here*
I have this nightmare one day that I'm not responding to the stimming at all and then the next day my nightmare is that I am over responding... either way they both end in a cancelled cycle and I turn into a wreck. So all day I have been nervous as all hell waiting for 'that' call to say that they don't want me as a patient anymore, lose their number, don't call us we'll call you rah rah rah... BUT it didn't come, instead I am all go for another blood test and a follicle scan on Thursday morning. Let the stress over the the scan begin.

To be honest I don't know why I was so so stressed about this blood test, obviously the drugs are doing something.. I am uncomfortable, have the worst headaches on the planet, and I'm just a teensy bit... shall we say tetchy? The Mr. has been pretty good so far, although we got off to a rocky start with this cycle because last time I didn't have any 'mood disturbances' at all just the headaches. This time however I seem to be a lot quicker to bite and he initially just assumed I was being a bitch for the hell of it (don't know where he would have gotten that idea) but now he seems to have developed a new strategy. Today I called him at work to yell at him for using my giant roasting pan to cook 2 measley sausages for his breakfast this morning and then going to work without cleaning it. This normally wouldn't bother me but today it made me see red.. So I call him and have a rant about how I now have to clean the bloody thing so he can have his precious roast pork dinner tonight that he's been looking forward to and you wanna know what he says? "I'm sorry, I was wrong, it was the wrong thing to do"

Wait, what?!?

Here I was dressed for war, broadsword in hand, and he rolls on his back and shows me his belly?

Fool.

To be honest it was the smartest thing he could have done.. I swear I could hear the smile in his voice when he said it, hell I would be smiling too if I had just shut down the 'super villain' with a few softly spoken words. So here I am, sitting in my lounge, confused, deflated, and after crashing back down to earth.. rational again.

I was scared the drugs weren't working why???

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

1st needle down.. a fair few to go

Well I guess this means its all go. Started my jabs this morning in a mad rush while flat out at work, and true to form it has kicked my ass. The buserelin gives me the most blinding headaches, its just horrid!

Last cycle I tried to make things a bit 'lighter' by naming my sharps bin (he does come with me morning and night wherever I might be going) Stevie, (get it, Stevie Nicks? Nicks as in sharp stab to the tummy? yeah ok, well I thought it was good). This cycle I am embracing my Bad Santa crush and naming him "Binny-Bob". I am a bit strange like that, I personalize everything... my cars, my fave furniture, even some people. Binny-Bob came to work with me today, probably wouldn't have enjoyed my locker.. I might need to empty out some of the dead things from it. Do sharps bins have a sense of smell? well lets just say they do, anything to get my locker cleaned I guess.

Speaking of crazy, I barely slept last night, I kept having these dreams that I had slept in and not done my jab in time and they cancelled my cycle. Because of this I was constantly waking up and checking the time, which is just crazy because my alarm was set for 5.30am so I could get in for my early shift. BAH!

Seriously though, the fact I was in such a rush to do my 1st jab this morning was a good thing, it meant I didn't have time to sit there and think about the cycle and have a freakout about the side effects that I feel oh so many of. I just stabbed and ran, literally.

So, here we go again!

Monday, September 5, 2011

Pregnancy announcement land mines

At the risk of swimming against the tide in the IF river, I have a few different opinions on pregnancy announcements etc. Now don't get me wrong, I totally understand the anger felt by some when a friend announces that they are expecting, but I don't feel it. I feel sadness, and jealousy. These feelings are entirely selfish and introspective, I don't get fuming when a friend announces their pregnancy via a scan photo on facebook. In fact I believe that they should be allowed to announce it however they want, after all isn't it also allowed to be the happiest time of their lives too? I love that my best friend is pregnant, it kills me inside just looking at her, makes part of me die every time, but I AM happy for her, and I do want to be there for her every step of the way, I am not angry that she is up the duff and I''m not. I am sad that it is not me, but I would never want to take it away from her to have it myself. I am not implying that all infertiles would, I am just saying that sometimes we get so wrapped up in out own crap that we stop looking at things constructively.

Us "infertiles" are sometimes labelled (often ourselves) as some of the most bitter people out. I don't know about everyone else but I don't like to wear that on my sleeve. I want to be happy for my friend who has recently had her 5th child, I want to support the friend who just found out she is pregnant and about to become a single mother. At the risk of being drawn and quartered by some IF'ers I also want to be there for my friend who decided that abortion is the best/only option for her. Yes, it makes me sad, and yes, I cry myself to sleep some nights when I go through these things, BUT I am not going to push my friends away because they are having what I can't, regardless of whether they want it or not.

I work in the medical field, I see abused and neglected children all the time, kids being lost in the system and kids that have no future. I wish that more would utilize the adoption process but the fact is you can't force people to do things they don't want to do. The Whangai process here in NZ also reduces the adoption chances with Maori mums being able to give their children to a family member to raise as their own without the extensive legal issues that go along with adoption. Here is some info if you want to read more about whangai. http://famous.adoption.com/famous/tamaiti-whangai.html

One thing that I am not happy to sit back and pretend isn't happening is this latest facebook chain game where women are posting fake pregnancy announcements all in the name of 'breast cancer awareness' WTF?!?! Yeah, I won't go into all the details on why and how they do this but they end up looking like "I am 12 weeks and craving peanut butter" etc. They are pathetic and I have put up a fb status telling the world exactly how I feel about it all. I am also not going to go into details about the ins and outs of cancer treatment and resulting infertility, there have been some brilliant blog posts on this topic already. All I will say is that the whole thing reeks of insensitivity, stupidity, and mob mentality. I can only hope that the rest of my friends are smart enough to figure out that it's extremely lame and in bad taste.

This blog post feels a little heavy, I do try to keep things light but lets face it, nothing about this topic is light, it could be the fact that tomorrow I start Buserelin jabs all over again and am in the dumps about the horrid side effects I'm about to be exposed to. 

Whatever way you look at it we are all in this experience together and yet we all feel it, deal with it, and live through it in different ways. I am 100% in support of you all no matter how you cope with it, and if you want to throw darts at a photo of a preggers mate till you feel better, I will totally sit there and sharpen them for you.



Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I have a new addiction!

Thy name is Pinterest.

HOW have I not stumbled across this site before?!?!?

I know I am not alone, I have meandered upon a few fellow bloggers and twiffers on there already by pure chance. This seems like the perfect place to find stuff to do on the 2ww we will have coming up in a month. I have already wasted half the day on there today!

This morning I went and had my 1st lot of acupuncture for this round. I really like my acupuncturist, he's so nice. After that I had to go and have some pre IVF bloods done and of course after a few stabs they decided they couldn't find a vein. I did tell them I was usually difficult, and the fact I am pretty dehydrated from being out with an illness for the last few days wouldn't be helping. So in the end they had to do it newborn style (oh the irony) and take it via finger prick and put it into baby blood tubes *sigh*
So now I not only have 2 hands full of holes and bruises, but I also have a purple throbby finger. :(

But things are happening, and as much as I try to put the brakes on to slow it all down its just not going to work. I am getting there with working through my fear of this cycle but there's still a fair way to go yet.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

For F*#k's Sake!!

It doesn't rain, it pours.

Last night at work I had the honour of having a drunk patient spit blood in face, and by that I'm talking eye, mouth, the works. So I had to stay late and have blood tests taken and fill in a pile of paperwork.
I have to have Hep b & c screening as well as HIV again in 3 months and then again in 6.
The first thing I thought of was, will this affect my IVF cycle?!?! lol priorities huh.

So I guess I will have to ring the clinic at some stage and at least let them know that I am undergoing screening. but I'm hoping that it won't affect anything with this cycle.

Really struggling to get up the motivation to go back to work tonight

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Here we go again

So, Day One..

Yep, its all on again. Today was day one so I have started on the pill for 3 weeks and then bring on the needles. To be honest I don't know if I am ready to this all over again. I am terrified of the whole process. When I called the clinic this morning to let them know it was day one I started shaking as soon as I heard the all too familiar telephone prompts. I think the last cycle was so so daunting and towards the end when it started getting soul destroying, it really took a chunk out of my strength to deal with this stuff properly.

But yesterday I emptied out what last cycle became the 'IVF drawer' in my nightstand so it's all ready to go for this cycle. There is none of the nervous excitement that was there for our last cycle, but I am deep down glad to be getting on with it again... deeeeeeeep down.

So here we are, Day one of our second cycle of IVF.

Cross your fingers, toes, arms and legs. Lets get it on.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

To video blog or not to video blog?

So it was suggested to me a few months ago that we should do a video blog. Not something to vent, that's what this place is for. I love my fellow bloggers here and how honest we can all be, the slight anonymity on here makes this possible. No, the video blog was to be more for memories of what we did, as well as a way to show family and friends where we were at or maybe even to help people to understand exactly what it is that we all have to go through with this IVF journey. It's all well and good to try to tell people what is involved but most still cannot grasp it. Not even those closest to us.

So here is my conundrum.... Do I do it? I am such a private person but maybe if there was some humour injected into it we might be able to keep it light? I don't want to whinge and moan I just want to document whats going on. Do I just make it for us and some family and friends or do I go all out and youtube it?

Opinions?.... Please?

Sunday, July 31, 2011

People are stupid

No, not all people. But lets face it, the vast majority.

We were talking about the new addition to our family (fur baby, photo's to come) to a friend and her husband and about how she was going to be an inside dog, cos lets face it she's part of the family and we have a nice big house.

Anyway, this guy starts ranting, and I mean literally ranting, on about how he hates people who do that, and why don't these stupid people just have babies instead and dogs are animals that should be outside and if you want a kid just have one and blah blah blah.

Grrr.

The poor Mr. had to stand there and take it while I just walked away. I'm pretty sure in his head he was beating the guy senseless but no one would have known it to look at him.

So I stand by my statement. People are stupid.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Gym junkie?!?!?!?! me?!?!?!?!

So I have recently rediscovered the gym. Due to 14 years with a recurrent dislocating patella I have not been able to do any sports at all, just turning a corner would dislocate my knee. I endured 3 surgeries the last being an absolute major that saw me in a wheelchair and off my feet for nearly 4 months and then on crutches for months after that. I still have significant weakness in that leg, and I can only bend it about half as much as the other one BUT it is now strong enough that gym equipment I couldn't dream of using before is now a real possibility to me. So I have joined the gym at the local aquatic centre (swimming is brilliant for my knee) and for the past couple of weeks have really really enjoyed going.

The first trip I spent 20 minutes sitting in my car trying to work up the courage to go inside, the second time it was only 10. Its not that I am scared of exercise, or even that I don't like it.. I have this weird thing about being around 'people'. Yes, I am a nurse, and before that I was a nightclub manager... people are literally my bread and butter, but as soon as it stops being a professional thing and turns into a private one I am a proper mess. I'm not talking agoraphobia, I'm not quite that bad. Anyway, I got over that eventually and now its only about 5 minutes in the car before I go inside the gym ;)

Yesterday I was unable to go to the gym, due to my work hours and it being a weekend the gym was closed by the time I got home, and you know what? I physically felt the need to go. I actually -are you sitting down?- WANTED to go. So today as soon as I was free I went straight to the gym and totally killed it!

Wait, it gets worse.... I came home and did more weight training here!

Is it weird that I am looking forward to my body aching tomorrow?

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Bad day hangover.

So yesterday was a bad bad day, I can't comment on today yet as even though it is early evening I actually haven't been out of bed for very long thanks to the longest night shift of my life last night! I was so happy to finally get home this morning, although I am still feeling emotionally on edge, I can feel the need to burst out crying just hiding on the edge of every thought. Not a nice feeling.

I spent the entire night shift just wanting to die, it was horrid. I was so emotionally washed out it was ridiculous, most everyone could tell I wasn't right because they all left me alone, which is saying something for a night shift, people tend to start losing the plot a little around 4.30 and are willing to talk garble to anyone near them. Also, I punished the gym equipment yesterday, it made me feel a tiny bit better but not much. At about 2am at work this morning I started paying for that little outing and now I can't lift my arms above shoulder height and muscles I didn't know I had are yelling at me.... loudly.

So all in all, blah. I am still feeling crappy about everything at the moment. I just want to be pregnant so bad its physically painful. BUT.. I am also ready to move forward... I think? I have spent the last 2 weeks breaking out in sweats whenever I think of doing this next cycle. The thought of the buserelin headaches and -oh my good god- Egg Collection, has literally been bringing me to tears.

Moving forward will surely be better than living in this turmoil? I hope so anyway.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Hope = Pain?

Sometimes I wonder why I am doing all of this. Putting myself through it all. By this I am not talking about losing touch with the end result but I am so sure in my head that this just isn't going to work, that the pain of going through the hope is getting too much. hmm ironic that hope can be so so depressing sometimes.

As per usual there is the normal run of pregnancy announcements, babies and happy happy people that are adding to the list of things getting me down, I am back to avoiding my pregnant best friend (you will remember she is due the same week we would be if our last IVF had worked) She came to the party we has last week and just suited being pregnant so much it was painful. On the topic of the party, why, if invited to a "fuck you IVF" party would you spend the time talking about your babies milestones etc? (not the bestie, another friend) it just doesn't make sense to me... anyway I am rambling.

I am seriously struggling with things at the moment, spending your life in limbo waiting to see if something will happen is taking its toll on me, I am starting to get tetchy and I think I need a change in scenery. Of course I can't leave my job because I have maternity leave locked in there in case the next round of IVF works, so instead of loving my job like I used to it feels like a prison sentence, I can't leave even if I wanted to. I am over living in my home town, waiting. I want out, I want a life change.

The Mr. has been floating ideas about a big concert over new years that would be awesome to go to, of course we can't run out and buy tickets tomorrow because what happens if the next round works? Then I will be a couple of months pregnant... but of course my brain kicks and tells me I'm stupid cos its not going to work, and yet I can't go, just in case.

Every time I think of the possibility of things going right my heart breaks, if I find my mind slipping off into the imaginary of how things could be it makes me cry.

You can see why its easy to wonder why I am doing all this sometimes.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

6 days till PARTY TIME!

This isn't really a post about my stupid infertility, or our crappy IVF journey... its a post about my "screw you IVF" party we are having THIS WEEKEND! arghhh it really snuck up on us.

As I said in an earlier post we are having a mad hatters tea party. Costumes are pretty much all sorted just need a few more finishing touches. Have a smoke machine sorted and the Mr is cutting out a whole lot of giant mushrooms and a giant caterpillar from wood for me to paint up. I have now got the most ridiculously large collection of tea cups and saucers and a fair whack of tea pots as well.

But my real conundrum is what food to make and serve?!?! obviously scones are a must but if its going to be a boozy party I need more savory finger foods.... so now I'm stuck....

help?

Monday, June 13, 2011

Starting Now.... no wait... Now!

Man have I been useless with this caffeine thing, proper useless! Doesn't help that I ran out of caffeine free tea bags the other day and hadn't gotten around to buying more (because of the sheer daylight robbery price of them!) so I have just been drinking normal tea. The other day at work on a particularly horrid shift I even bought a bottle of coke! *cringe*

So I have been to the supermarket and have my gold coated (I make this assumption based on price per gram) caffeine free tea bags and will begin my caffeine free life all over again. *sigh*

I swear if there was a cigarette anywhere near me recently I would be jumping back on that bandwagon as well!

Monday, June 6, 2011

Need a laugh?

This site has seriously made my day. Autocorrect... nuff said.

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/

Just not feeling it

This time last cycle I was 100% dedicated to the no caffeine, booze, healthy eating, multivitamin regime that happens in the lead up to IVF. Back then it was exciting to be doing something, exciting that it was nearly time to start injections and get everything started. This time round I not only lack motivation, and enthusiasm. But I also seem to be lacking the ability to give a fuck. Yeah I know, crass and unladylike, but thats just how I am feeling at the moment. Of course I am still not drinking caffeine or booze, I haven't been overly reliable with the multivits though.... ooops, my bad.

To be honest, I don't want to do it again. I don't want the blinding headaches from the buserelin. Nor do I want the pain that comes later with the Gonal F or the sheer torture of the egg collection blood test days and the 2ww. I will do it again, but I really don't want to.

There is another reason for me not wanting to do this next cycle of IVF, If the same thing happens that did in the last cycle (great egg and embryo numbers just for them all to die off) then we have to face facts that its probably my eggs and go down the egg donor route. This terrifies me more than all the drug side effects in the world and is not something I am ready to face up to in a hurry.

So that is where my head is at right now, not the funnest place in the world to be.. I advise Disneyland over this place any day!

Monday, May 23, 2011

Starting again

So this week I am kicking of the no caffeine, alcohol, crappy food.... pretty much all the things I rely on to get through the day. Last time The Mr. also gave up the booze but that was it. This time around, due to the not so great head space I am in about this cycle, he is also going to give up the caffeine. There is something about knowing you are not suffering alone that makes a girl feel a little better.

Last time around there was a feeling of almost excitement at this stage because we were finally doing something other than waiting. This time it just ups my anxiety about the whole thing. How do I get excited about going through one of the worst, most painful and disappointing experiences of my life all over again?

Well its not hard to see that I'm not in the most positive of moods at the moment lol

Monday, May 16, 2011

ARGHHHHH

True to form with my life at the moment I have been unable to post anything on my blog for the last week, for some reason it just has not been working for me. Urghh, typical lol

I am in a storm of pregnancy announcements at the moment, surrounded by baby showers at work and a ridiculous amount of pregnant patients as well. I have an associate who is pregnant and skiting about how much booze she can still keep down (I did not deal with that one very well, but screw it.. we should be allowed to use colourful language every now and then) so, as you can see its a pretty shit time around here.. how am I dealing with it? easy,

I'm throwing a massive party.

Not your traditional IVF/IF coping strategy granted, but its giving me something fun to do and look forward to and its also a good way of saying thanks to those close to us who have been there for us through all this crap. The theme of said party? lol I am throwing a tea party, I am embracing the very weak grasp I have on my sanity and channeling my inner Mad Hatter. I love a good dress up party. So that is what I am doing with my time at the moment. To be honest it feels good to channel my attention onto something fun and different.

So thats what I am doing with my time at the moment, I am trying not to bring too much work stuff 'home' with me and just letting go of the small stuff...

 I'll let you know how we get on with that

Monday, May 2, 2011

Everyone but me

Trying not to be bitter recently but I am finding it very hard, surrounded by pregnancy at every turn.. surrounded by babies and doting parents. urghh my stomach is turning just thinking about it.

What brought all this on? For starters my best friend is pregnant, she is my absolute best friend in the world and I am so so so happy for her and her husband but for some reason this is making me more angry and depressed than the hundreds of pregnancy announcements we have heard since starting out TTC journey over 5 years ago.

Don't get me wrong, I love my friend and the fact she is preggers and so stoked about it makes me happy. The fact that she is due the same week we would have been had our embie stuck breaks me heart though, and she is the one person I can usually be 100% honest with, but now I find myself holding back and almost avoiding her sometimes as she is just starting to show and I havn't figured out how to deal with her as a pregnant woman. That sounds awful but I don't know how else to put it.

Woe is me and blah blah blah.. maybe its just this cold weather getting me down but I am finding it hard to stay on top of my game recently.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

A time for reflection and decisions.

Hey guys, sorry it has been so long.
I have stayed away from the forums, blogs and groups etc in the (miserable) attempt to get my life back on track and in a straight-ish line. Unfortunately it hasn't all gone to plan and I am still feeling pretty down about everything and hating on life. I know that eventually I will have to crawl out of this hole but I just haven't managed to get there yet.
There is still a good 7-10 months of wait time before we start our next cycle, I am trying to get my body a little more healthy for it but I am seriously lacking the energy to do much.I have managed to lose a few kg's so I guess thats good.

We have also been discussing our future, thinking about plans etc. We made a decision the other night that if it gets to the point of looking at adoption then it's probably time for us to just stop. We are still going to go to an information evening to get a few facts straight and all that, but, and while I realise this is just what works for us and not others, we need to draw a line in the sand for ourselves. We need to know that this is not going to go on forever and that even if it a sad one, there is an end in sight. We have given ourselves a definite 2 more rounds of IVF and then we will need to do some re-evaluating.

So that is where I have been all this time, the pressure on our relationship has started to show in the last couple of months but we have re-opened the lines of communication and are looking forward... well as far forward as we will let ourselves anyway.

So I hope everyone out there in IF land is doing well and moving forwards in their own ways. I have been trying to block out the horrid side effects I suffered from those meds and the emotional pain of the cycle and look forward to our next big shot.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Devastation and heartache

Words just cannot express the heartache our country is going through right now, The Christchurch earthquake that has left many dead, homeless, missing, and their lives ripped apart and has left us all in shock and an absolute state of despair.

I have been on stand by to go down to Christchurch and help with earthquake relief since that afternoon but don't know when or if I will get down there. I just want to go and help so bad it hurts. I would have been on the helicopter that afternoon had the hospital released me to do so.

But for now I have to wait and watch, to be there for our family and friends who are down there and wait for that call.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Screw you IF... I'm going to Malaysia.

So I know I have been away for a wee while.. I just needed some time to get back into the swing of 'normal' life and figure out how to get through each day. I still havn't quite managed the latter thanks to a few very challenging days at work recently but I am attempting to feel more positive about having to wait another 9-12months for our next crack at IVF.

I figure it gives me a decent amount of time to get myself back into shape and pick up the pieces of my neglected work life, I have some study coming up and while it really is the last thing I feel like doing, it probably isn't such a bad idea.

The main thing that is helping keep me occupied is planning for a trip to Malaysia in April. In my head I have named it the "screw you IF" trip. I am going to eat and drink whatever the hell I want to, I am going to shop and take photo's and watch race cars fly around a track. I am not going to cry over lost babies and opportunities, I am not going to mention out fert doctors name once... well, maybe in one of the screw you toasts I may make.

So thats what I am doing with my time.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Fuck it.

...and that pretty much sums it all up for ya doesn't it.

BF fucking N

This will not be a nice eloquent post about my emotions and blahdy blah blah fucking blah. It will merely say (until I feel like saying anything more).....

Fuck it.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Step away from the computer!

This wouldn't be an infertility/IVF blog if there wasn't a post on the horror that is the 2ww. So here is mine, hopefully you just get the one but I can't guarantee it.

So our day 6 transfer was on Monday and today is Wednesday.. I have managed to go 2 whole days without googling anything to do with the 2ww... 2 days?!?! is that it? Man it fells like a shite load longer than that. I hate that I am so freaked out and tuned in that every single niggle and tingle makes me think that it's all over red rover.
So this afternoon I started with google. Now I know I shouldn't but it's in my personality to be in control and I hate having no control at all.

Ok, this is how bad I am, where I work I can order blood tests.. so whats to stop me going in to work on BT day after getting the clinics blood test done and doing one of my own? I mean I can get the results in 40 minutes instead of the half a day it would take through the clinic.. but do I do it or do I just be a good girl and do as I am told? Buggered if I know.

What I wanna know is how many people do home pregnancy tests during the 2ww. The real numbers, I know there are heaps who do it and don't cop to it. I have no idea if I will do one or not yet, I highly doubt if I will be able to stop myself.

I need help.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Transfer day.....?

Ok, so I was going to write all about our transfer etc yesterday but was tired and over it and just didn't feel like it, so now I will attempt to write about Sunday, the big transfer day.

Sunday, Day 5, The worst weather for god know's how long. I am talking torrential rain, floods everywhere including on the roads. The motorway looked like a fast moving river and we were fighting the wind to stay on the road. Not that we cared mind, it was a long 2.5hour drive but shit, Its Transfer Day!!!
After a mammoth drive to the clinic, only just getting there in the nick of time the nurse gets me to chuck on my gown and sit there to wait to have transfer... then shit got real. The Dr and embryologist come into the room, but instead of telling us the plan etc the doc opens with; "there's a problem" now this is the part where for a split second my mind goes somewhere else and he says, "The problem is you have too many perfect blasts and we just can't pick one, we need you to help us draw straws"... and then I remembered that this was happening to ME and so the news was not going to be good...

The problem it turned out, was that none of the 7 we had on day 3 had made it to blast.. What the shit? we had 7, 7!!! then they tell us that 3 hadnt made it through day 4, fine we accept that there is always a decline with this stuff, and that there were four that they were expecting to make it to day 5 but they didnt. So the choice was stay overnight in Auckland and see how they go, if by some small miracle something made it overnight we could come back and have it put back. Or go home, wait for the phone call in the morning and just try to relax.

I was a mess, and I mean a proper fucking mess, we sat in the car for an hour before deciding half ass'd to go get something to eat and then couldn't decide what we wanted. I just wanted to go home, screw the storm of the century and screw the clinic.. I want my bed. We had to stop in at Albany, it was still raining heavily and we still needed to eat. By this stage I had been crying for a couple hours and was at the numb stage. The Mr. talked me into just going and sitting in the cinema for a couple of hours, so that is what we did. I don't remember bugger all of the film and I spent half of it staring at the back of the seat in front of me but we went all the same. This was really difficult for me, I had it stuck in my head that by going to the movie we were just being too lax about the fact that it might all be over. But in hindsight it was probably a good thing to do, it gave us time to just be numb and not have to do anything else. I did have a mini meltdown in the food court though, surrounded by pregger women, babies, and a heck of a lot of people.. I just needed out, could not handle it at all.

Over this weekend we also had the Mr's friend from the UK staying with us and we had arranged to go out to dinner with him and his new wife that night, originally it was going to be a night of celebration not of grief. We agreed that we should still go, do something semi normal. After all we couldn't do anything about anything until Monday morning when the clinic called. So we went to a restaurant that friends of ours own and ate good food, I had half a glass of good red wine and we had a shisha pipe (green apple flavour) It felt good to be normal, to not be obsessed with my IVF diet and just hang out. Granted I was a complete zombie most of the time, but still.. it was nice.

Monday morning... ohhh man, I was awake from 4am, no shit I felt like I was going to rip all my skin off I was so nervous. I spent the morning watching the phone and waiting. When it rang the Mr. answered it, there was no way I was going near it! I watched him from the other end of the hallway, when he sat there with his head in has hands thanking the person on the other end of the phone with every ounce of his heart I knew there had been some sort of small miracle. Turned out one, ONE! made it to blast, so we were going down again, this time for a day 6 transfer.

Normally when we go to the clinic I make an effort, like I do my hair and try to look semi nice for the people who are trying to impregnate me. This time though they were just lucky I dressed. Still with the numb feeling all through me we went down and sat in the little room again, in my gown again, and waited for someone to come in and tell us there was a fuck up.. no embryo's had survived.

Bert the embryologist (yes thats his name.. and he was like an energizer bunny) came in and told us that we had a perfect looking blast. He went on to talk about the day 6 transfer and how this one was one of the slower embryo's the entire process and that maybe we would be pregnant for 11 months instead of 9 (hardy har!) This was the point where I had my first ounce of feeling. Something positive to grasp onto.

Transfer went well, a lot more uncomfortable than I imagined but it went well. Afterwards we got something to eat and chilled out looking in shops etc before making the drive home to 'relax'

So that is my transfer story, definitely not what anyone was expecting, the day that was meant to be the best was the worst day I have had in a very very very long time..

I just hope that wasn't the last of my miracles.

Friday, January 21, 2011

My little breakdown

Yesterday, which was day 3 started out pretty well and then in the afternoon about an hour before I was meant to start work I started getting horrible crampy pains, they were awful! Of course 1st place your brain goes is OHSS, which then leads the brain to the freak out that they will not transfer and will have to freeze all.

This of course led straight to me feaking out and turning into a hot mess about not getting to do transfer.

So today I feel much better, have taken the day off work though so that I can take it easy today for transfer in the morning. I have a slight pang of guilt for calling in 'sick' today but if I didn't and the embie didn't take I would regret it forever I just know it.

So getting my positive thinking hat on my head and looking forward to tomorrow morning.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Day 3.

So this morning I woke up at about 5am again after taking hours to fall asleep last night, waiting for the phone call to tell us whether we had to drive down to Auckland today or wait till Sunday. I have been see-sawing back and forth as to which I prefer but decided last night when the weather up here turned to complete shite that day 5 blast was the way to go! (a 2 1/2 hour drive in these cyclone winds was not what I felt like today) So colour me pleased when they rang to tell us that we were going to day 5.

Fert update; Today we have one 7 cell, four 8 cells, one 9 cell, and one 10cell embie, not bad for a first timer aye? Now I just need to get through the next couple of days without going crazy cakes.

good luck with that huh.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Fert results, Day One.

So got the call nice and early this morning, 9 out of the 11 have fertilized! I am assured that is a very good number so I am pretty darn happy with that. I have been awake since 5am watching the clock and waiting for the call. This is all such a new experience for me I never know how I am meant to feel.. excited? terrified? nervous? Shit. I feel all of those.

So onto the fun and games... pessaries.

Egg Collection

So today was the day and of the 11 follicles present we managed to get 11 eggs so we're pretty stoked with that. I (apparently) was climbing the walls in pain during the procedure, so the fact I don't remember it is probably a good thing. In saying that though, I do kind of wish I was able to remember it. The only thing I remember is the embryologist saying there's 2 eggs. As that was pretty much the only thing I remember I spent the whole time in recovery getting upset at the Mr. that we had only managed 2 eggs, which he thought was very funny every time he reminded me that we actually got 11 and I got all happy again. Man those were some good drugs.

Bad news is I am in pain and bleeding, the FS wants me to keep an eye on the bleeding overnight, stay on bed rest, and see how I am in the morning. Thank god I thought ahead and took tomorrow off work cos there is no way I'll be doing much feeling like this.

So I doubt I will be sleeping much tonight, all I can think about is the upcoming call in the morning...

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Lets make this interesting...

Going to have to update the last few days in this post because I have been so useless!

On Friday we went down for our 1st scan to see how many follies we had stashed in them there ovaries, we were discussing how many there would be and decided to place a little bet. I was being naturally cautious, guessing 7 to 11 follies while the Mr. was shooting for the moon and guessed 14-18 follies. Long story short there was 10 or 11 there. So win for me! As my prize I got the scrummiest dinner of my choice cooked for me (he's a brilliant cook, must have something to do with growing up in France) and bragging rights, which are worth so much more.

We had Saturday off from all that garb, but as my E2 levels hadn't moved much they decided to up my dose of gonal f to 300. Went back down today (Sunday) and my E2 levels have kicked back in after 2 higher doses of gonal f and the follies are looking great. Had my last shot of buserelin this evening and the trigger injection at 11.15pm tonight for EC at 11.15 Tuesday morning. EEK!!

I have to say I am not going to miss all these needles, I am covered in bruises and the jabs are getting more and more painful everyday. To make matters worse when I went to have my blood taken today they mangled me and I am still in pain from it all. I am feeling mighty uncomfortable as well, sore lower abdomen, bloated and just generally blah.

I would also like to point out that we are driving nearly 3 hours to get to the clinic for an 8 minute appointment, something that the Mr. is handling rather well I must say. He is not the most patient of people and it's a long way to go for a few minutes. But it's all worth it in the end, here's hoping anyway.

So far it has all slotted in with work too, working shift work makes it extremely hard to have any kind of organization in your life and the fact I am ridiculously unorganized already doesn't help matters one bit. But this weekend I had friday to tuesday as rostered days off which has been perfect and means I will only have to take Wed off to recover before I go back to my very physically demanding job. Then its just a matter of taking time off from transfer, which is hopefully going to be on the Sunday if we can get to day 5 and having some time off after that for the 2ww. I am super lucky to have a very understanding boss and I know it, she is going to get one hell of a gift basket when all this is over!!

After reading a lot of sites, blogs, books, and hearing from other IVFers I decided to deal with everything one day at a time, on blood test days I focussed only on that, same with scans. Tonight I am focusing on not missing my trigger time (how awful would that be!?!) and then tomorrow I will focus on nothing much. Tuesday will be dealt with when Tuesday comes. The problem with this tact is that as I am on a short cycle so everything has come around very very quickly... like super crazy scary quickly. Egg collection was just a figment of my imagination, something that seems to happen to everyone else doing IVF and my turn was never going to come, and now I am 36hours away from it.. WTF?

So my head is all over the place tonight and I think tomorrow is going to be even worse, there goes my day by day strategy. Oh well.. let the freak out begin.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Update

So, after a low first E2 level two days later they are nicely on the rise, just needed a little time to get a kick start I guess. Going in for a scan tomorrow morning to see how many follies we have growing and will have another blood test tomorrow as well.

Things are looking good so far then, but I am still trying to remain realistic.. actually lets be honest, I am trying to tell myself in my head that it isn't going to work and in my heart hope that I will be pleasantly surprised. I'm a bit backwards like that. While I totally buy into the positive thinking thing, I am also a big fan of self preservation, so a little bit of both and I'm away.

I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable today, which I am also hoping is a good sign.. maybe it means that I am growing gazillions of follicles. So not looking forward to going to work tonight, the joys of doing an extremely physical job with swollen ovaries.

Yay me!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Avert your eyes...

Ok, a bit of pre warning, this post is going to be kinda soft. People who know me know that I am not soft, not big on emotions and I am not a hugger. But I think these drugs are messing with me so here goes.

This post is all about the Mr. himself.

In the lead up to IVF we were building a house and the Mr. got a big promotion and so he has been 100% focussed on all that. He somehow managed to put IVF on the back burner, as there really was nothing to do until we started, and concentrate on the other things going on. Of course I was totally unable to do this and was all over the place. Now my initial concern was that this was going to carry on and IVF become another task on the list. However, he has been amazing. He has been speaking to the FS nurse and asking all kinds of questions that I would have completely forgotten or not even thought about. He's great with my medications and checks on how I am feeling while I am at work. He has been totally awesome. I have been feeling really rough with these terrible headaches and lately I am so tired that the thought of getting out bed makes me want to cry. He hasn't complained once, he has been so great with me being grumpy and tired and has listened to all of my whinging.

So here's to the Mr. who I love and who has been great so far in this IVF cycle. Thanks babe.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Waiting.

I hate waiting. I mean proper HATE, I now know the true meaning of the word. Had blood test this morning, went to the lab at 0730 when they were opening. There were 20 other people waiting in line to get bloods taken. WTF?!? Anyway, I am now waiting for the phone call from my FS nurse to tell me if and how I am responding to the gonal f. Today I find out if I am a non responder, an over responder or what and man am I nervous!

I have to go back to work this afternoon, I am really hoping she calls before then so if the news isn't great I have some time to get myself together before I start work.

So I have a couple of hours to try and fill. I am going to use mindless television and fridge browsing.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Not superwoman after all

So, it turns out, much to my horror that I cannot in fact, do everything.

Now I know this may not shock all you seasoned professionals the way it has shocked me, but you simply can't have a normal life during a cycle of IVF. Don't get me wrong, I never expected to be able to have a totally normal life I mean egg collection and transfer and all that stuff, result days and the big 2ww. However I did expect that the initial stage of injections and things would be a relatively normal existence, just with needles a few times a day. WRONG! Instead I have headaches, lethargy and just general blahness... yes I know it's not a real word but it's the right word damn it.

Now I find myself leaving concerts and gatherings because the bass makes my head want to explode (nana much?!?) and I feel like general arse. The Mr. let his hair down yesterday as we went to our annual sandbank party, which on a side note is a truly epic experience, and he had a right merry time. I tried to hold out as long as I possibly could before pulling the plug so to speak but by 11pm I was dead on my feet with a headache to rival all headaches and off home we went. Today I am as useless as all hell and just want to sleep sleep sleep. But of course I can't.

I have injected myself in the car on the way to a concert, and at the beach (don't worry, no one could see me) I have tried to live as normally as possible up to this point, but as I realise that this simply isn't working and my headaches get worse and my stomach starts to feel uncomfortable I have decided that a very quiet existence for the next wee while sounds like the way to go. I am going to have to inject at work every night for the next week, which in a busy emergency department already has me stressing about missing times etc, and thats about as exciting as I want it for now thank you very much.

So, to summarise. I am not superwoman, these drugs are not nice, and a normal life I do not have.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

What a headache

Ick. Literally, the Buserelin has made me get the worst headaches ever! Not just little, i'll pop a couple paracetamol and drink some water kind of headache either. They are more like help me I can't see, think, breath kind of headaches.

To make things more complicated the Mr. has arranged for us to go to a Fat Freddy's gig tonight out at the beach, which will be awesome as they are brilliant live, but terrible because the sound of the cat breathing sets me off at the moment.

Gee, work on monday is going to be fun, yelling abusive patients and screaming babies *eek*

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Onwards and Upwards

I have just had my 2nd injection for the day, today being day one of Buserelin, the Mr. has done them both for me... the first one this morning he was nervous and obviously wary, but by this evening when it was time for the next one he was all keen and smiling. To be honest I think he may have enjoyed it a little too much.

He has also done his research on how women undergoing IVF treatment get what he calls "the crazy" and so everytime I speak he is busy telling me to calm down and that no one needs to get hurt. At this early stage I can't help but laugh at him, but no doubt that will get real old, real quick.

How do I feel? To be honest I don't know. I feel excited for finally taking the next step forward and then in the same breath I am scolding myself for just that. I feel nervous at what might happen. I hate not knowing things, I am always one step ahead (even though the Mr. thinks he is) so having no control at all, other than my 3 alarms set to make sure I don't forget when its time for the next jab (we both nearly forgot the last one... eek!) is making me feel like a bundle of nerves. Not the good kind.

It truly amazes me as I read other blogs like mine, yes I read them all, just not much of a comment leaver, how many couples and women are going through this as well. We all feel so alone in these struggles, often even isolated from the one person we are going through all this with, and yet there are so much of us doing it. It amazes me at how perpetually optimistic, strong, supportive, and amazing all of these people are who are going through this, some might say roller coaster but I personally like roller coasters and I don't like this so I am going to say torture. Yes I might be slightly emotional because things are happening and I am obviously all mixed up about it but I wanted to make sure that I recognized the others out there who are going through this along with me.

May 2011 be THE year!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Later 2010, Don't let the door hit ya...

I am so so glad to see the arse end of 2010. Its has been one of the longest, most frustrating years ever, and very reminiscent of a rickety old carnival ride that I want off! So ciao 2010, good riddance. Hello 2011, you better be my damn year!!

We moved into our brand spanking new house last week, hence the radio silence. It is very nice, filled with boxes, and I don't know where anything is that I own, but very nice all the same. There is something very strange about being in a brand new house. Every time I open a closet I can smell fresh paint and the walls are all sooooo clean that I am too scared to touch them. The Mr. is a bit of a perfectionist and notices everything, so I kinda feel like I should be walking around with my hands in my pockets all the time. It feels like we are living in a desert at the moment because we have no grass, just pale, hard, dry dust (try keeping that off the walls!) now I can't grow weeds, so how I am meant to grow grass is beyond me especially up here in the north where we have been facing water restrictions and possible/probable drought. In saying that though we have had a bit of rain lately, but all it takes is a day like today and our land is back to scorched earth again.

The day after we moved (which would have been xmas day) some little bastards broke into the garage at our old house and stole all of the Mr's tools, all of our fishing and diving gear and my snowboarding gear. It was a real nice end to a real shit year basically. So now we are going to have to do the run around getting quotes on everything for insurance.

Being on holiday from work is nice, even though I have spent the whole time working either here or cleaning up and moving from the old rental. I was starting to get very very detached from my job, which is not a good thing working in an environment like the emergency department. It doesn't help that I seem to get all the miscarriages, ectopics, babies having babies, and pre term births etc when I am on. Also we had a bad run in the lead up to and on Christmas, we were very busy and there were some sad sad days. Nature of the beast and all that but man did I need a holiday! Still have one week of holiday left to go which is fantastic. Hopefully I get my fighting spirit back again before going back to work.

I had a couple of little drinks over the xmas/new years period. not many, I could literally count them on one hand. But it was great, I didn't have any Bacardi though for fear of not being able to put the bottle away again, unless it counts when it is empty ;) But now it is back on the tea total (not real tea mind, caffeine and all that) and trying to watch what I eat blah blah blah.

Not so easy to do when there is a fridge full of Christmas basket chocolates.