Life without chaos??

The closer we get to starting our cycle the more appointments, tests, meetings etc there are to have and the less I am able to live in my creatively chaotic world. Don't get me wrong, I like to know whats going on as much as the next guy but I am absolutely useless at being organized! I have never kept a diary to keep up with appointments, I keep a stash of scrap paper with things written on them in my pockets, I utilize the brilliant memory god gave me to remember at 4pm... hmm wasn't there something I was meant to be doing today??

Well that is no more! Turns out my smartphone (HTC google phone for fellow techies who care) is for more than just going on facebook and playing games! Its has a life organizer, which is good since my life is in dire need of organizing at the moment. I have just gone through all my little scraps of paper and notes on my work roster and put in all the appointments and tests I have coming up, I can even set a little alarm for half an hour or so before so I don't forget. LOL and they say you can't teach an old dog new tricks!

The thought of giving up my 'float in the breeze, I don't need no organization' lifestyle is somewhat sad. However I have no doubt it is the best news in the world for my dear Mr. who gets ridiculously frustrated with how all over the place and last minute I can be.

Right, now I am going to see if this 'smartphone' can fold my washing...

Who's that girl?

I have recently had a bit of a wake up call. This TTC, Infertility, IVF 'joyride' that we are on takes over your entire existence. When going through it you live and breathe it, from the food you eat, to crossing the street when you see that friend of yours who has managed to have 3 kids while you have been ttc and is pregnant again. Tv ads make you cry, as do any shows or movies with even the hint of a baby or pregnancy, my job is a particular kind of hell that maybe deserves its own blog post at some stage.

Anyway, recently an old friend went into hospital because she was unable to keep anything down (17 weeks pregnant) and I didn't go up to see her because, well lets face it, people get admitted to hospital for rehydration therapy all the time and I didnt want to go up there and hear all about her MS etc (yes, I work in the hospital... I can feel your judgy eyes already) and I was sitting at work and I realised that she was on day 10 of her admission, now thats not right.. so up to the ward I wander to find her being tube fed with a nasogastric tube (tube from nose to stomach) and with a picc line (long term IV site) and weighing a good 20kg less than the last time I saw her (she was already a small girl). Well you can colour me stupid. I had let all my shit get so caught up in my head that I didn't actually see what was going on. Don't I just feel like the worlds worst friend.

Now, and this is not to redeem myself at all, I already know I am way beyond that... This friend and I havn't been overly close of late, since she got pregnant with her last child she took a huge step away from me as a friend and there was bugger all I could do about it. So she never told me quite how bad it was, BUT thats her deal and not mine, I have never been that friend, the one who never visits when someone is sick etc. I am the one who drops everything to help people out, I'm the sucker who goes and sits with a patient who is scared and alone when I am meant to be on my dinner break. I'm THAT girl.

So how did I get to be THIS girl?!?!?

I hate you infertility for turning me into a person that I barely recognize.

Everyone has an opinion

Urghhh. You know how EVERYONE has a story or a piece of advice when you are struggling to conceive? Well since someone at my work has no idea what privacy is and had let it slip about us doing IVF etc I have had an influx of bullshit advice telling me what we are doing wrong or need to be doing.

I mean seriously, I am so sure that with my blocked tubes and 5 years of trying that your  (enter random vitamin, herb, food, drink here) will totally help me.. whats that? you decided last month to TTC and after taking this vitamin/herb/food/drink you are pregnant!! WOW thanks for your totally useless helpful advice!

Do these people actually think I want to hear their stories? Oh and to the workmate of mine who recently came up to me to tell me that "you don't want a baby, they keep you up all night and don't do anything but put an end to your social life" Are you for freaking real?!?!? I have been doing pretty well lately with my tolerance of idiots but its starting to get more and more difficult.

I need to get me some dumbass repellent.

Update

Well a lot has been happening in the last week, right in the middle of it being all go with our new house build and me finishing my latest Uni paper and being on night shifts we got a call from the clinic saying they wanted to move our cycle forward. So! now I start on meds on day one in December which is only a few weeks away!! there was a mad rush from the clinic to get a few more blood tests in and an ultrasound which somehow managed to slip through the cracks and be missed on our last appointment. I have not even had time to stress or freak out about this change in plan due to our lives being completely crazy at the moment. The Mr. got a big promotion last week and is now the boss, so I have my hands full trying to keep his feet on the ground ;)

We have decided also that we will not be telling anyone about us starting earlier (other than you lot of course) because we figured the less people that know the less hovering we will get over the 2ww and beyond if they don't even know we have started yet!! lol now I just have to try and keep the hormones under check and we might just get away with it! The Mr. has told his dad who is on the other side of the world and not very well at the moment so could do with some cheering up we figured.

ohhh man is my mum going to be pissed when she finds out lol

The great test.

Apparently being the sadist that I am I decided that I was doing too well with the no alcohol, no caffeine, no yum food, no reason to live buzz that we have been on, and I must have thought the Mr. was doing too well with it too as I agreed to let our bestie throw a bbq at our place so he could introduce us all to his new girlfriend.

Scene; A hot sunny Saturday afternoon, we've been working in the garden and the Mr in the garage and we are having a bbq on the nice sunny deck. The boys all have beers, the girls wine, another friend has their 3 month old baby and besties new girlfriend is a smoker... AWESOME

Not having booze hasn't been too bad so far, I'm not a big drinker anyway but as summer gets closer there is nothing better than a cold drink after a hard day. I quit smoking for all this TTC, of course quitting had to be done, but I am the first person to admit that I really really liked smoking. Like really really!

Arghh and then there's the baby, she's adorable but it was just the straw the broke the camels back, I managed to hold her for a little while but all of it together was just a bit too much so I kept finding things that needed doing inside so I could avoid it all.

Safe to say the besties new girlfriend probably now thinks I don't like her, or just that I'm some grumpy unsocial bitch. Either way I managed to get through the whole thing and the days after without a single breakdown. So I am one happy unsocial grumpy bitch!

High five for progress!

Best. Day. Ever!

Today has been a brilliant day, after a pretty ugly weekend and start to the week at work today was my day off and I managed to finish my last assignment and therefore my whole paper! So provided that I pass, of which I am quietly confident, then I am taking the next year at least off study, hopefully longer. I do like to study and do my post grad but the stress of it all has really taken its toll on me this time round so I am looking forward to a break.

So you would think that would be enough to have me bouncing off the walls with glee, but wait.. there's more!! Last night a workmate of mine brought me some South African caffeine free tea bags. Rooibos, which she assures me is Afrikaans for red bush which is the plant they are made out of and not some weird animal like the word sounds. It smells like.. hmm, the closest thing I can come up with is a mixture of hay molasses, kinda reminds me of the smell of our old school hall when it was all set up for craft fairs and the like (yes I went to a small country school so it probably just smelled like that most of the time really).

Anyway I have put off trying it all day because it really does smell bad and I havn't quite been that hard up yet. But then this afternoon I had a chocolate brownie (a small one I promise) and suddenly I felt like I would die without a cup of tea! So I tentatively made myself a cup and prepared for the worst cup of tea in my life. Turns out its pretty darn good! not quite normal tea, don't get me wrong, but I think after a couple more cups I won't even be able to tell the difference. My main problem was more the smell than the taste as it still has that country fair hay bale smell about it, but again, once I had gotten going I didn't even notice it anymore. The Mr. however was none impressed and went back to his cup of glorious normal tea.

Yes I know I have just written nearly 400 words on tea. I don't know if it's a case of small things and small minds, or the fact that if you deprive yourself of enough eventually you will crack and blog about tea bags.