Sunday, July 31, 2011

People are stupid

No, not all people. But lets face it, the vast majority.

We were talking about the new addition to our family (fur baby, photo's to come) to a friend and her husband and about how she was going to be an inside dog, cos lets face it she's part of the family and we have a nice big house.

Anyway, this guy starts ranting, and I mean literally ranting, on about how he hates people who do that, and why don't these stupid people just have babies instead and dogs are animals that should be outside and if you want a kid just have one and blah blah blah.


The poor Mr. had to stand there and take it while I just walked away. I'm pretty sure in his head he was beating the guy senseless but no one would have known it to look at him.

So I stand by my statement. People are stupid.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Gym junkie?!?!?!?! me?!?!?!?!

So I have recently rediscovered the gym. Due to 14 years with a recurrent dislocating patella I have not been able to do any sports at all, just turning a corner would dislocate my knee. I endured 3 surgeries the last being an absolute major that saw me in a wheelchair and off my feet for nearly 4 months and then on crutches for months after that. I still have significant weakness in that leg, and I can only bend it about half as much as the other one BUT it is now strong enough that gym equipment I couldn't dream of using before is now a real possibility to me. So I have joined the gym at the local aquatic centre (swimming is brilliant for my knee) and for the past couple of weeks have really really enjoyed going.

The first trip I spent 20 minutes sitting in my car trying to work up the courage to go inside, the second time it was only 10. Its not that I am scared of exercise, or even that I don't like it.. I have this weird thing about being around 'people'. Yes, I am a nurse, and before that I was a nightclub manager... people are literally my bread and butter, but as soon as it stops being a professional thing and turns into a private one I am a proper mess. I'm not talking agoraphobia, I'm not quite that bad. Anyway, I got over that eventually and now its only about 5 minutes in the car before I go inside the gym ;)

Yesterday I was unable to go to the gym, due to my work hours and it being a weekend the gym was closed by the time I got home, and you know what? I physically felt the need to go. I actually -are you sitting down?- WANTED to go. So today as soon as I was free I went straight to the gym and totally killed it!

Wait, it gets worse.... I came home and did more weight training here!

Is it weird that I am looking forward to my body aching tomorrow?

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Bad day hangover.

So yesterday was a bad bad day, I can't comment on today yet as even though it is early evening I actually haven't been out of bed for very long thanks to the longest night shift of my life last night! I was so happy to finally get home this morning, although I am still feeling emotionally on edge, I can feel the need to burst out crying just hiding on the edge of every thought. Not a nice feeling.

I spent the entire night shift just wanting to die, it was horrid. I was so emotionally washed out it was ridiculous, most everyone could tell I wasn't right because they all left me alone, which is saying something for a night shift, people tend to start losing the plot a little around 4.30 and are willing to talk garble to anyone near them. Also, I punished the gym equipment yesterday, it made me feel a tiny bit better but not much. At about 2am at work this morning I started paying for that little outing and now I can't lift my arms above shoulder height and muscles I didn't know I had are yelling at me.... loudly.

So all in all, blah. I am still feeling crappy about everything at the moment. I just want to be pregnant so bad its physically painful. BUT.. I am also ready to move forward... I think? I have spent the last 2 weeks breaking out in sweats whenever I think of doing this next cycle. The thought of the buserelin headaches and -oh my good god- Egg Collection, has literally been bringing me to tears.

Moving forward will surely be better than living in this turmoil? I hope so anyway.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Hope = Pain?

Sometimes I wonder why I am doing all of this. Putting myself through it all. By this I am not talking about losing touch with the end result but I am so sure in my head that this just isn't going to work, that the pain of going through the hope is getting too much. hmm ironic that hope can be so so depressing sometimes.

As per usual there is the normal run of pregnancy announcements, babies and happy happy people that are adding to the list of things getting me down, I am back to avoiding my pregnant best friend (you will remember she is due the same week we would be if our last IVF had worked) She came to the party we has last week and just suited being pregnant so much it was painful. On the topic of the party, why, if invited to a "fuck you IVF" party would you spend the time talking about your babies milestones etc? (not the bestie, another friend) it just doesn't make sense to me... anyway I am rambling.

I am seriously struggling with things at the moment, spending your life in limbo waiting to see if something will happen is taking its toll on me, I am starting to get tetchy and I think I need a change in scenery. Of course I can't leave my job because I have maternity leave locked in there in case the next round of IVF works, so instead of loving my job like I used to it feels like a prison sentence, I can't leave even if I wanted to. I am over living in my home town, waiting. I want out, I want a life change.

The Mr. has been floating ideas about a big concert over new years that would be awesome to go to, of course we can't run out and buy tickets tomorrow because what happens if the next round works? Then I will be a couple of months pregnant... but of course my brain kicks and tells me I'm stupid cos its not going to work, and yet I can't go, just in case.

Every time I think of the possibility of things going right my heart breaks, if I find my mind slipping off into the imaginary of how things could be it makes me cry.

You can see why its easy to wonder why I am doing all this sometimes.