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Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Step away from the computer!

This wouldn't be an infertility/IVF blog if there wasn't a post on the horror that is the 2ww. So here is mine, hopefully you just get the one but I can't guarantee it.

So our day 6 transfer was on Monday and today is Wednesday.. I have managed to go 2 whole days without googling anything to do with the 2ww... 2 days?!?! is that it? Man it fells like a shite load longer than that. I hate that I am so freaked out and tuned in that every single niggle and tingle makes me think that it's all over red rover.
So this afternoon I started with google. Now I know I shouldn't but it's in my personality to be in control and I hate having no control at all.

Ok, this is how bad I am, where I work I can order blood tests.. so whats to stop me going in to work on BT day after getting the clinics blood test done and doing one of my own? I mean I can get the results in 40 minutes instead of the half a day it would take through the clinic.. but do I do it or do I just be a good girl and do as I am told? Buggered if I know.

What I wanna know is how many people do home pregnancy tests during the 2ww. The real numbers, I know there are heaps who do it and don't cop to it. I have no idea if I will do one or not yet, I highly doubt if I will be able to stop myself.

I need help.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Transfer day.....?

Ok, so I was going to write all about our transfer etc yesterday but was tired and over it and just didn't feel like it, so now I will attempt to write about Sunday, the big transfer day.

Sunday, Day 5, The worst weather for god know's how long. I am talking torrential rain, floods everywhere including on the roads. The motorway looked like a fast moving river and we were fighting the wind to stay on the road. Not that we cared mind, it was a long 2.5hour drive but shit, Its Transfer Day!!!
After a mammoth drive to the clinic, only just getting there in the nick of time the nurse gets me to chuck on my gown and sit there to wait to have transfer... then shit got real. The Dr and embryologist come into the room, but instead of telling us the plan etc the doc opens with; "there's a problem" now this is the part where for a split second my mind goes somewhere else and he says, "The problem is you have too many perfect blasts and we just can't pick one, we need you to help us draw straws"... and then I remembered that this was happening to ME and so the news was not going to be good...

The problem it turned out, was that none of the 7 we had on day 3 had made it to blast.. What the shit? we had 7, 7!!! then they tell us that 3 hadnt made it through day 4, fine we accept that there is always a decline with this stuff, and that there were four that they were expecting to make it to day 5 but they didnt. So the choice was stay overnight in Auckland and see how they go, if by some small miracle something made it overnight we could come back and have it put back. Or go home, wait for the phone call in the morning and just try to relax.

I was a mess, and I mean a proper fucking mess, we sat in the car for an hour before deciding half ass'd to go get something to eat and then couldn't decide what we wanted. I just wanted to go home, screw the storm of the century and screw the clinic.. I want my bed. We had to stop in at Albany, it was still raining heavily and we still needed to eat. By this stage I had been crying for a couple hours and was at the numb stage. The Mr. talked me into just going and sitting in the cinema for a couple of hours, so that is what we did. I don't remember bugger all of the film and I spent half of it staring at the back of the seat in front of me but we went all the same. This was really difficult for me, I had it stuck in my head that by going to the movie we were just being too lax about the fact that it might all be over. But in hindsight it was probably a good thing to do, it gave us time to just be numb and not have to do anything else. I did have a mini meltdown in the food court though, surrounded by pregger women, babies, and a heck of a lot of people.. I just needed out, could not handle it at all.

Over this weekend we also had the Mr's friend from the UK staying with us and we had arranged to go out to dinner with him and his new wife that night, originally it was going to be a night of celebration not of grief. We agreed that we should still go, do something semi normal. After all we couldn't do anything about anything until Monday morning when the clinic called. So we went to a restaurant that friends of ours own and ate good food, I had half a glass of good red wine and we had a shisha pipe (green apple flavour) It felt good to be normal, to not be obsessed with my IVF diet and just hang out. Granted I was a complete zombie most of the time, but still.. it was nice.

Monday morning... ohhh man, I was awake from 4am, no shit I felt like I was going to rip all my skin off I was so nervous. I spent the morning watching the phone and waiting. When it rang the Mr. answered it, there was no way I was going near it! I watched him from the other end of the hallway, when he sat there with his head in has hands thanking the person on the other end of the phone with every ounce of his heart I knew there had been some sort of small miracle. Turned out one, ONE! made it to blast, so we were going down again, this time for a day 6 transfer.

Normally when we go to the clinic I make an effort, like I do my hair and try to look semi nice for the people who are trying to impregnate me. This time though they were just lucky I dressed. Still with the numb feeling all through me we went down and sat in the little room again, in my gown again, and waited for someone to come in and tell us there was a fuck up.. no embryo's had survived.

Bert the embryologist (yes thats his name.. and he was like an energizer bunny) came in and told us that we had a perfect looking blast. He went on to talk about the day 6 transfer and how this one was one of the slower embryo's the entire process and that maybe we would be pregnant for 11 months instead of 9 (hardy har!) This was the point where I had my first ounce of feeling. Something positive to grasp onto.

Transfer went well, a lot more uncomfortable than I imagined but it went well. Afterwards we got something to eat and chilled out looking in shops etc before making the drive home to 'relax'

So that is my transfer story, definitely not what anyone was expecting, the day that was meant to be the best was the worst day I have had in a very very very long time..

I just hope that wasn't the last of my miracles.

Friday, January 21, 2011

My little breakdown

Yesterday, which was day 3 started out pretty well and then in the afternoon about an hour before I was meant to start work I started getting horrible crampy pains, they were awful! Of course 1st place your brain goes is OHSS, which then leads the brain to the freak out that they will not transfer and will have to freeze all.

This of course led straight to me feaking out and turning into a hot mess about not getting to do transfer.

So today I feel much better, have taken the day off work though so that I can take it easy today for transfer in the morning. I have a slight pang of guilt for calling in 'sick' today but if I didn't and the embie didn't take I would regret it forever I just know it.

So getting my positive thinking hat on my head and looking forward to tomorrow morning.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Day 3.

So this morning I woke up at about 5am again after taking hours to fall asleep last night, waiting for the phone call to tell us whether we had to drive down to Auckland today or wait till Sunday. I have been see-sawing back and forth as to which I prefer but decided last night when the weather up here turned to complete shite that day 5 blast was the way to go! (a 2 1/2 hour drive in these cyclone winds was not what I felt like today) So colour me pleased when they rang to tell us that we were going to day 5.

Fert update; Today we have one 7 cell, four 8 cells, one 9 cell, and one 10cell embie, not bad for a first timer aye? Now I just need to get through the next couple of days without going crazy cakes.

good luck with that huh.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Fert results, Day One.

So got the call nice and early this morning, 9 out of the 11 have fertilized! I am assured that is a very good number so I am pretty darn happy with that. I have been awake since 5am watching the clock and waiting for the call. This is all such a new experience for me I never know how I am meant to feel.. excited? terrified? nervous? Shit. I feel all of those.

So onto the fun and games... pessaries.

Egg Collection

So today was the day and of the 11 follicles present we managed to get 11 eggs so we're pretty stoked with that. I (apparently) was climbing the walls in pain during the procedure, so the fact I don't remember it is probably a good thing. In saying that though, I do kind of wish I was able to remember it. The only thing I remember is the embryologist saying there's 2 eggs. As that was pretty much the only thing I remember I spent the whole time in recovery getting upset at the Mr. that we had only managed 2 eggs, which he thought was very funny every time he reminded me that we actually got 11 and I got all happy again. Man those were some good drugs.

Bad news is I am in pain and bleeding, the FS wants me to keep an eye on the bleeding overnight, stay on bed rest, and see how I am in the morning. Thank god I thought ahead and took tomorrow off work cos there is no way I'll be doing much feeling like this.

So I doubt I will be sleeping much tonight, all I can think about is the upcoming call in the morning...

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Lets make this interesting...

Going to have to update the last few days in this post because I have been so useless!

On Friday we went down for our 1st scan to see how many follies we had stashed in them there ovaries, we were discussing how many there would be and decided to place a little bet. I was being naturally cautious, guessing 7 to 11 follies while the Mr. was shooting for the moon and guessed 14-18 follies. Long story short there was 10 or 11 there. So win for me! As my prize I got the scrummiest dinner of my choice cooked for me (he's a brilliant cook, must have something to do with growing up in France) and bragging rights, which are worth so much more.

We had Saturday off from all that garb, but as my E2 levels hadn't moved much they decided to up my dose of gonal f to 300. Went back down today (Sunday) and my E2 levels have kicked back in after 2 higher doses of gonal f and the follies are looking great. Had my last shot of buserelin this evening and the trigger injection at 11.15pm tonight for EC at 11.15 Tuesday morning. EEK!!

I have to say I am not going to miss all these needles, I am covered in bruises and the jabs are getting more and more painful everyday. To make matters worse when I went to have my blood taken today they mangled me and I am still in pain from it all. I am feeling mighty uncomfortable as well, sore lower abdomen, bloated and just generally blah.

I would also like to point out that we are driving nearly 3 hours to get to the clinic for an 8 minute appointment, something that the Mr. is handling rather well I must say. He is not the most patient of people and it's a long way to go for a few minutes. But it's all worth it in the end, here's hoping anyway.

So far it has all slotted in with work too, working shift work makes it extremely hard to have any kind of organization in your life and the fact I am ridiculously unorganized already doesn't help matters one bit. But this weekend I had friday to tuesday as rostered days off which has been perfect and means I will only have to take Wed off to recover before I go back to my very physically demanding job. Then its just a matter of taking time off from transfer, which is hopefully going to be on the Sunday if we can get to day 5 and having some time off after that for the 2ww. I am super lucky to have a very understanding boss and I know it, she is going to get one hell of a gift basket when all this is over!!

After reading a lot of sites, blogs, books, and hearing from other IVFers I decided to deal with everything one day at a time, on blood test days I focussed only on that, same with scans. Tonight I am focusing on not missing my trigger time (how awful would that be!?!) and then tomorrow I will focus on nothing much. Tuesday will be dealt with when Tuesday comes. The problem with this tact is that as I am on a short cycle so everything has come around very very quickly... like super crazy scary quickly. Egg collection was just a figment of my imagination, something that seems to happen to everyone else doing IVF and my turn was never going to come, and now I am 36hours away from it.. WTF?

So my head is all over the place tonight and I think tomorrow is going to be even worse, there goes my day by day strategy. Oh well.. let the freak out begin.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Update

So, after a low first E2 level two days later they are nicely on the rise, just needed a little time to get a kick start I guess. Going in for a scan tomorrow morning to see how many follies we have growing and will have another blood test tomorrow as well.

Things are looking good so far then, but I am still trying to remain realistic.. actually lets be honest, I am trying to tell myself in my head that it isn't going to work and in my heart hope that I will be pleasantly surprised. I'm a bit backwards like that. While I totally buy into the positive thinking thing, I am also a big fan of self preservation, so a little bit of both and I'm away.

I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable today, which I am also hoping is a good sign.. maybe it means that I am growing gazillions of follicles. So not looking forward to going to work tonight, the joys of doing an extremely physical job with swollen ovaries.

Yay me!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Avert your eyes...

Ok, a bit of pre warning, this post is going to be kinda soft. People who know me know that I am not soft, not big on emotions and I am not a hugger. But I think these drugs are messing with me so here goes.

This post is all about the Mr. himself.

In the lead up to IVF we were building a house and the Mr. got a big promotion and so he has been 100% focussed on all that. He somehow managed to put IVF on the back burner, as there really was nothing to do until we started, and concentrate on the other things going on. Of course I was totally unable to do this and was all over the place. Now my initial concern was that this was going to carry on and IVF become another task on the list. However, he has been amazing. He has been speaking to the FS nurse and asking all kinds of questions that I would have completely forgotten or not even thought about. He's great with my medications and checks on how I am feeling while I am at work. He has been totally awesome. I have been feeling really rough with these terrible headaches and lately I am so tired that the thought of getting out bed makes me want to cry. He hasn't complained once, he has been so great with me being grumpy and tired and has listened to all of my whinging.

So here's to the Mr. who I love and who has been great so far in this IVF cycle. Thanks babe.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Waiting.

I hate waiting. I mean proper HATE, I now know the true meaning of the word. Had blood test this morning, went to the lab at 0730 when they were opening. There were 20 other people waiting in line to get bloods taken. WTF?!? Anyway, I am now waiting for the phone call from my FS nurse to tell me if and how I am responding to the gonal f. Today I find out if I am a non responder, an over responder or what and man am I nervous!

I have to go back to work this afternoon, I am really hoping she calls before then so if the news isn't great I have some time to get myself together before I start work.

So I have a couple of hours to try and fill. I am going to use mindless television and fridge browsing.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Not superwoman after all

So, it turns out, much to my horror that I cannot in fact, do everything.

Now I know this may not shock all you seasoned professionals the way it has shocked me, but you simply can't have a normal life during a cycle of IVF. Don't get me wrong, I never expected to be able to have a totally normal life I mean egg collection and transfer and all that stuff, result days and the big 2ww. However I did expect that the initial stage of injections and things would be a relatively normal existence, just with needles a few times a day. WRONG! Instead I have headaches, lethargy and just general blahness... yes I know it's not a real word but it's the right word damn it.

Now I find myself leaving concerts and gatherings because the bass makes my head want to explode (nana much?!?) and I feel like general arse. The Mr. let his hair down yesterday as we went to our annual sandbank party, which on a side note is a truly epic experience, and he had a right merry time. I tried to hold out as long as I possibly could before pulling the plug so to speak but by 11pm I was dead on my feet with a headache to rival all headaches and off home we went. Today I am as useless as all hell and just want to sleep sleep sleep. But of course I can't.

I have injected myself in the car on the way to a concert, and at the beach (don't worry, no one could see me) I have tried to live as normally as possible up to this point, but as I realise that this simply isn't working and my headaches get worse and my stomach starts to feel uncomfortable I have decided that a very quiet existence for the next wee while sounds like the way to go. I am going to have to inject at work every night for the next week, which in a busy emergency department already has me stressing about missing times etc, and thats about as exciting as I want it for now thank you very much.

So, to summarise. I am not superwoman, these drugs are not nice, and a normal life I do not have.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

What a headache

Ick. Literally, the Buserelin has made me get the worst headaches ever! Not just little, i'll pop a couple paracetamol and drink some water kind of headache either. They are more like help me I can't see, think, breath kind of headaches.

To make things more complicated the Mr. has arranged for us to go to a Fat Freddy's gig tonight out at the beach, which will be awesome as they are brilliant live, but terrible because the sound of the cat breathing sets me off at the moment.

Gee, work on monday is going to be fun, yelling abusive patients and screaming babies *eek*

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Onwards and Upwards

I have just had my 2nd injection for the day, today being day one of Buserelin, the Mr. has done them both for me... the first one this morning he was nervous and obviously wary, but by this evening when it was time for the next one he was all keen and smiling. To be honest I think he may have enjoyed it a little too much.

He has also done his research on how women undergoing IVF treatment get what he calls "the crazy" and so everytime I speak he is busy telling me to calm down and that no one needs to get hurt. At this early stage I can't help but laugh at him, but no doubt that will get real old, real quick.

How do I feel? To be honest I don't know. I feel excited for finally taking the next step forward and then in the same breath I am scolding myself for just that. I feel nervous at what might happen. I hate not knowing things, I am always one step ahead (even though the Mr. thinks he is) so having no control at all, other than my 3 alarms set to make sure I don't forget when its time for the next jab (we both nearly forgot the last one... eek!) is making me feel like a bundle of nerves. Not the good kind.

It truly amazes me as I read other blogs like mine, yes I read them all, just not much of a comment leaver, how many couples and women are going through this as well. We all feel so alone in these struggles, often even isolated from the one person we are going through all this with, and yet there are so much of us doing it. It amazes me at how perpetually optimistic, strong, supportive, and amazing all of these people are who are going through this, some might say roller coaster but I personally like roller coasters and I don't like this so I am going to say torture. Yes I might be slightly emotional because things are happening and I am obviously all mixed up about it but I wanted to make sure that I recognized the others out there who are going through this along with me.

May 2011 be THE year!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Later 2010, Don't let the door hit ya...

I am so so glad to see the arse end of 2010. Its has been one of the longest, most frustrating years ever, and very reminiscent of a rickety old carnival ride that I want off! So ciao 2010, good riddance. Hello 2011, you better be my damn year!!

We moved into our brand spanking new house last week, hence the radio silence. It is very nice, filled with boxes, and I don't know where anything is that I own, but very nice all the same. There is something very strange about being in a brand new house. Every time I open a closet I can smell fresh paint and the walls are all sooooo clean that I am too scared to touch them. The Mr. is a bit of a perfectionist and notices everything, so I kinda feel like I should be walking around with my hands in my pockets all the time. It feels like we are living in a desert at the moment because we have no grass, just pale, hard, dry dust (try keeping that off the walls!) now I can't grow weeds, so how I am meant to grow grass is beyond me especially up here in the north where we have been facing water restrictions and possible/probable drought. In saying that though we have had a bit of rain lately, but all it takes is a day like today and our land is back to scorched earth again.

The day after we moved (which would have been xmas day) some little bastards broke into the garage at our old house and stole all of the Mr's tools, all of our fishing and diving gear and my snowboarding gear. It was a real nice end to a real shit year basically. So now we are going to have to do the run around getting quotes on everything for insurance.

Being on holiday from work is nice, even though I have spent the whole time working either here or cleaning up and moving from the old rental. I was starting to get very very detached from my job, which is not a good thing working in an environment like the emergency department. It doesn't help that I seem to get all the miscarriages, ectopics, babies having babies, and pre term births etc when I am on. Also we had a bad run in the lead up to and on Christmas, we were very busy and there were some sad sad days. Nature of the beast and all that but man did I need a holiday! Still have one week of holiday left to go which is fantastic. Hopefully I get my fighting spirit back again before going back to work.

I had a couple of little drinks over the xmas/new years period. not many, I could literally count them on one hand. But it was great, I didn't have any Bacardi though for fear of not being able to put the bottle away again, unless it counts when it is empty ;) But now it is back on the tea total (not real tea mind, caffeine and all that) and trying to watch what I eat blah blah blah.

Not so easy to do when there is a fridge full of Christmas basket chocolates.