Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Day 2 and 3

So far so good.

Yesterday (day 2) we got our fert result of 5 beautiful wee 4 cells. I should have been over the moon but instead I was too busy writhing in agony as half my face felt like it was dying!
So a whole pile of money and a giant hole in my face later and I am now one big ass wisdom tooth less. Yup, just to add to the stress of this week I had to have a wisdom tooth taken out and now I am lying here, on painkillers and antibiotics sore and feeling sorry for myself.

Which brings us to day 3. This morning while nursing my swollen and sore face I was also getting my stuff ready for the drive down to Auckland as we were tentatively booked in for a day 3 lunch time transfer. Luckily when the clinic called our wee embabies are still doing well with 3 at 8 cells, 1 9 cell, and 1 slightly fragmented 5 cell, so I don't have to make the drive down there today and we will be going down on Saturday for a day 5 transfer instead.  I have done my wee happy dance and crawled back into bed with my ice pack.

So the next mission is to find accommodation in Auckland for Saturday, yes... the same Saturday that New Zealand vs France IN AUCKLAND. hmmm

The other thing we're stressed about is the fact that with the last cycle everything was going perfectly and when we arrived on day 5 for transfer (driving for hours through a storm that was closing roads left right and centre) we were told that none of our embies had made it to day 5. If this was to happen again... well I don't even want to think about it. But to say it is constantly in the back of The Mr and my minds is an extreme understatement!

Oh and did I mention that tomorrow is my birthday? It's ok, with all this going on I almost forgot too.

Monday, September 19, 2011

My cycle so far in a post.

Wow so far this cycle has just flown by! I better give a bit of an update..

My E2 levels rose quite steeply but there was no stalling of levels like there was in the last cycle, apparently this should mean that the eggs will be of better quality than the last lot.
On our 1st scan they saw 7 follicles, 2 on the left and 5 on the right, on our second scan they thought they saw maybe 9. I continued to have ridiculous side effects from the drugs and when I was triggered on Saturday night my shift on Sunday was complete hell!

This brings us to yesterday (Monday)

I went to the clinic yesterday morning absolutely terrified. My last egg collection was very very painful and I had a LOT of bleeding afterwards. As I sat in the little room waiting to go through to theatre with a hot water bottle on my arm and hand (as I have said before, I have the most awful veins) every worst case scenario I could think of went through my mind, all while The Mr was playing the fool trying to cheer me up, succeeding only in pissing me off. I was so sure at one point that all my follicles were void of eggs I just wanted to get into the car and go home!

The doc mentioned the possibility of me having to use the gas if they couldn't get a needle into me so I lay there thinking 'veiny' thoughts and trying really hard not to flinch with every jab. The last collection was horrid, and that was with fentanyl and midaz... there was no way in hell I was going to go through it without them! After four attempts to gain an IV I finally got the drugs and tried really really hard to pay attention to everything going on around me, but alas, the only thing I can remember is the conversation about the rugby world cup we had just as the drugs were going in :(

All in all though it was much better than last time, he used a bigger dose of the drugs and I wasn't trying to climb the walls while he was jabbing at my ovaries (bonus hey) We got a total of 6 eggs from the 8 follicles that were there, one on the right was not playing ball and it was a bit of a mission to get into, but they got there in the end. I ended up stuck in recovery for quite some time thanks to some really bad pain on the right hand side, getting more drugs and getting a bit foggy again. In the end I managed to convince the Mr to help me get dressed so I could show the nurse that I was feeling much better and ready to go home! He reluctantly put my shoes on after I promised him I wasn't going to make a break for it. The car trip home was really painful and thanks to the drugs I was in and out of a sleepy stupor.

Last night was the worst nights sleep I've had in a long long time, I was in constant pain and was so over tired that I was getting really upset by it all. The Mr managed to sleep through most of it, I woke him up about 2am to get me some more pain meds because I just couldn't get up. I am still pretty sore today and have not parted company with my trusty hot water bottle except to refill him, the pain is all on the right hand side still so I am hoping it is just from the effort getting to that tricky little follicle.

I spent this morning easily distracted from the fact I was waiting for the fert report phone call thanks to the immense pain I was in, in the back of my mind though I was freaking out. When the call did come around 9am I was almost too scared to answer the phone! Turns out I had nothing to worry about, of the 6 eggs we had collected all 6 had fertilized! That's right, a day one 100% fert rate! I am trying not to get my hopes up too much though. If our last cycle taught us anything its how quickly things can turn from perfect to soul destroying with this IVF stuff.

But for the moment I am happy, happy that our little guys made it through the night, and scared about finding out how they are doing tomorrow.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

1st E2 blood test day

Today was my 1st blood test to see how I am responding to the Gonal F. I went in this morning, got butchered again.. yes I know I know, I have terrible veins... then I had a reaction to the hypoallergenic tape they used on all my war wounds and now I am an itchy blotchy mess.. BAH!

The good news is my levels seem to be ok, I have day 4 levels of just over 300. From what I can figure with my inane googling is that this is an acceptable level. *insert giant sigh of relief here*
I have this nightmare one day that I'm not responding to the stimming at all and then the next day my nightmare is that I am over responding... either way they both end in a cancelled cycle and I turn into a wreck. So all day I have been nervous as all hell waiting for 'that' call to say that they don't want me as a patient anymore, lose their number, don't call us we'll call you rah rah rah... BUT it didn't come, instead I am all go for another blood test and a follicle scan on Thursday morning. Let the stress over the the scan begin.

To be honest I don't know why I was so so stressed about this blood test, obviously the drugs are doing something.. I am uncomfortable, have the worst headaches on the planet, and I'm just a teensy bit... shall we say tetchy? The Mr. has been pretty good so far, although we got off to a rocky start with this cycle because last time I didn't have any 'mood disturbances' at all just the headaches. This time however I seem to be a lot quicker to bite and he initially just assumed I was being a bitch for the hell of it (don't know where he would have gotten that idea) but now he seems to have developed a new strategy. Today I called him at work to yell at him for using my giant roasting pan to cook 2 measley sausages for his breakfast this morning and then going to work without cleaning it. This normally wouldn't bother me but today it made me see red.. So I call him and have a rant about how I now have to clean the bloody thing so he can have his precious roast pork dinner tonight that he's been looking forward to and you wanna know what he says? "I'm sorry, I was wrong, it was the wrong thing to do"

Wait, what?!?

Here I was dressed for war, broadsword in hand, and he rolls on his back and shows me his belly?


To be honest it was the smartest thing he could have done.. I swear I could hear the smile in his voice when he said it, hell I would be smiling too if I had just shut down the 'super villain' with a few softly spoken words. So here I am, sitting in my lounge, confused, deflated, and after crashing back down to earth.. rational again.

I was scared the drugs weren't working why???

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

1st needle down.. a fair few to go

Well I guess this means its all go. Started my jabs this morning in a mad rush while flat out at work, and true to form it has kicked my ass. The buserelin gives me the most blinding headaches, its just horrid!

Last cycle I tried to make things a bit 'lighter' by naming my sharps bin (he does come with me morning and night wherever I might be going) Stevie, (get it, Stevie Nicks? Nicks as in sharp stab to the tummy? yeah ok, well I thought it was good). This cycle I am embracing my Bad Santa crush and naming him "Binny-Bob". I am a bit strange like that, I personalize everything... my cars, my fave furniture, even some people. Binny-Bob came to work with me today, probably wouldn't have enjoyed my locker.. I might need to empty out some of the dead things from it. Do sharps bins have a sense of smell? well lets just say they do, anything to get my locker cleaned I guess.

Speaking of crazy, I barely slept last night, I kept having these dreams that I had slept in and not done my jab in time and they cancelled my cycle. Because of this I was constantly waking up and checking the time, which is just crazy because my alarm was set for 5.30am so I could get in for my early shift. BAH!

Seriously though, the fact I was in such a rush to do my 1st jab this morning was a good thing, it meant I didn't have time to sit there and think about the cycle and have a freakout about the side effects that I feel oh so many of. I just stabbed and ran, literally.

So, here we go again!

Monday, September 5, 2011

Pregnancy announcement land mines

At the risk of swimming against the tide in the IF river, I have a few different opinions on pregnancy announcements etc. Now don't get me wrong, I totally understand the anger felt by some when a friend announces that they are expecting, but I don't feel it. I feel sadness, and jealousy. These feelings are entirely selfish and introspective, I don't get fuming when a friend announces their pregnancy via a scan photo on facebook. In fact I believe that they should be allowed to announce it however they want, after all isn't it also allowed to be the happiest time of their lives too? I love that my best friend is pregnant, it kills me inside just looking at her, makes part of me die every time, but I AM happy for her, and I do want to be there for her every step of the way, I am not angry that she is up the duff and I''m not. I am sad that it is not me, but I would never want to take it away from her to have it myself. I am not implying that all infertiles would, I am just saying that sometimes we get so wrapped up in out own crap that we stop looking at things constructively.

Us "infertiles" are sometimes labelled (often ourselves) as some of the most bitter people out. I don't know about everyone else but I don't like to wear that on my sleeve. I want to be happy for my friend who has recently had her 5th child, I want to support the friend who just found out she is pregnant and about to become a single mother. At the risk of being drawn and quartered by some IF'ers I also want to be there for my friend who decided that abortion is the best/only option for her. Yes, it makes me sad, and yes, I cry myself to sleep some nights when I go through these things, BUT I am not going to push my friends away because they are having what I can't, regardless of whether they want it or not.

I work in the medical field, I see abused and neglected children all the time, kids being lost in the system and kids that have no future. I wish that more would utilize the adoption process but the fact is you can't force people to do things they don't want to do. The Whangai process here in NZ also reduces the adoption chances with Maori mums being able to give their children to a family member to raise as their own without the extensive legal issues that go along with adoption. Here is some info if you want to read more about whangai.

One thing that I am not happy to sit back and pretend isn't happening is this latest facebook chain game where women are posting fake pregnancy announcements all in the name of 'breast cancer awareness' WTF?!?! Yeah, I won't go into all the details on why and how they do this but they end up looking like "I am 12 weeks and craving peanut butter" etc. They are pathetic and I have put up a fb status telling the world exactly how I feel about it all. I am also not going to go into details about the ins and outs of cancer treatment and resulting infertility, there have been some brilliant blog posts on this topic already. All I will say is that the whole thing reeks of insensitivity, stupidity, and mob mentality. I can only hope that the rest of my friends are smart enough to figure out that it's extremely lame and in bad taste.

This blog post feels a little heavy, I do try to keep things light but lets face it, nothing about this topic is light, it could be the fact that tomorrow I start Buserelin jabs all over again and am in the dumps about the horrid side effects I'm about to be exposed to. 

Whatever way you look at it we are all in this experience together and yet we all feel it, deal with it, and live through it in different ways. I am 100% in support of you all no matter how you cope with it, and if you want to throw darts at a photo of a preggers mate till you feel better, I will totally sit there and sharpen them for you.