I have recently had a bit of a wake up call. This TTC, Infertility, IVF 'joyride' that we are on takes over your entire existence. When going through it you live and breathe it, from the food you eat, to crossing the street when you see that friend of yours who has managed to have 3 kids while you have been ttc and is pregnant again. Tv ads make you cry, as do any shows or movies with even the hint of a baby or pregnancy, my job is a particular kind of hell that maybe deserves its own blog post at some stage.
Anyway, recently an old friend went into hospital because she was unable to keep anything down (17 weeks pregnant) and I didn't go up to see her because, well lets face it, people get admitted to hospital for rehydration therapy all the time and I didnt want to go up there and hear all about her MS etc (yes, I work in the hospital... I can feel your judgy eyes already) and I was sitting at work and I realised that she was on day 10 of her admission, now thats not right.. so up to the ward I wander to find her being tube fed with a nasogastric tube (tube from nose to stomach) and with a picc line (long term IV site) and weighing a good 20kg less than the last time I saw her (she was already a small girl). Well you can colour me stupid. I had let all my shit get so caught up in my head that I didn't actually see what was going on. Don't I just feel like the worlds worst friend.
Now, and this is not to redeem myself at all, I already know I am way beyond that... This friend and I havn't been overly close of late, since she got pregnant with her last child she took a huge step away from me as a friend and there was bugger all I could do about it. So she never told me quite how bad it was, BUT thats her deal and not mine, I have never been that friend, the one who never visits when someone is sick etc. I am the one who drops everything to help people out, I'm the sucker who goes and sits with a patient who is scared and alone when I am meant to be on my dinner break. I'm THAT girl.
So how did I get to be THIS girl?!?!?
I hate you infertility for turning me into a person that I barely recognize.
i'm sorry to hear about your friend. i hope that she's doing better now. i couldn't help but wonder that if she was that sick and lost 20kg...is her baby alright?
ReplyDeletei don't think you should beat yourself up over it, but i know that's easier said than done. you weren't to know that she would end up being that sick. guilt is such a strong emotion, i've been there myself, and then thought myself a horrid person. but you're not a bad person..you're someone with her own struggles, trying to do the best you can.
*big hugs*
Yeah baby appears to be fine. but she will be having close monitoring by a dr instead of a midwife from now on.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard not to get angry at myself over this one.. I am definitely going to make a bigger effort to pay more attention to the outside world from now!!