The tornado that is my life.

Apologies for lack in updates, my world has been a whirlwind of action lately!

Tomorrow is moving day into our brand spanking new house, this has been both exciting and stressful! I hate packing and I hate it even more in 34 degree heat. So we have been at action stations getting everything done over the last couple of weeks.

On the IVF front it has been a whole other kind of whirlwind... Had our appointment on the 17th to pick up drugs and sign consent forms etc etc and our FS had forgotten the meds, and his computer wasn't working at all (he was going to go over our blood and scan results with us in detail to go over the change in protocol etc) so it was a complete waste of time. He made a joke (YES A FUCKING JOKE) about how I might want to look into my younger sister as an egg donor, Ummm I have 7 brothers.... ain't none of them got any eggs. So as this was the 1st mention of the increased possibility of me needing egg donors I was instantly put into a state of shock. I know it shouldn't have alarmed me so much as I had done some reading on elevated FSH and low AMH etc but the way it was tackled just threw me on the defensive and upset me no end. The appointment lasted all of 10 minutes and then I had to go to work, where while on the floor dealing with sick patients the reality of it all set in and I had my 1st post appt freak out (yes there have been more than one).

So I finally got my drugs on Monday and thats very cool, makes me feel like I am getting somewhere but I have this awful feeling. In the medical field there is a specific time where a person has, quite literally, an impending feeling of doom. Often this precedes a massive MI, or heart attack. Sounds bizarre but its true, there are a few other things too but I don't need to cover that lot. Anyway, what was I talking about? oh yeah, my own little feeling of doom... Up until these blood results our perceived fertility problems were related to my tubal scarring and inability to get said egg to the right spot. But now, oh now we have a whole new world of problems! So I have gone from having nothing but positive thoughts about how IVF was going to work, to an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that just won't go away. I try not to be all doom and gloom but it's stopping me from sleeping now and I can barely concentrate at work and I know this is all normal crazy IVF stuff but I am really struggling to deal with it at the moment.

On a brighter note, the Mr has just booked tickets to Malaysia to watch the F1 in April. So I am either going to KL preggers or its something to look forward to if the cycle doesn't work.

Big week.

This week in the year is always an emotional one, on one hand I am a total christmas fiend and I start getting mighty excited by around the 10th of December. The 13th of December is our wedding anniversary which is fantastic and then the 14th, today, is a more somber anniversary.

Today was meant to be my due date for our wee baby that ended up as an ectopic pregnancy. He or she would have been 3 this year. I spend this day wondering what if? Wondering if there was anything I could have done differently and what our life might have been like if things had turned out right. I know this kind of thinking is not productive, but I can't help it.

To totally top this all off I have been on night shifts so slept through most of my anniversary and then on that evening came down with some kind of bug where I have been throwing up and my ears and throat hurt like hell.

Feeling rather sorry for myself today.

Let there be DATES!!

FS nurse phoned me this morning to inform me that my latest lot of bloods show an increased FSH and a slightly low AMH. I would have thought they might have shown up last time I had bloods taken but oh well.

Anyway, due to this new information coming to light my cycle has been changed to a micro flare protocol, so I have dates!! I am going to start buserelin injections twice a day on the 5th of Jan and then introduce Gonal F on the 7th. I will have a blood test on the 10th to see how I am responding and if all is going well It will be a scan around the 12th and egg collection around the 17th.

This is a lot for my poor little self to take in, I think I am so used to the dreaded wait that I never actually thought anything was going to happen.

So now I have to wake myself up from my little world and get organised!

Day One!!

Yes thats right, day fricken one!
It is the official first day of our IVF cycle. This somehow makes the excruciatingly painful few days that is my AF slightly more bearable. I mean, this is the 1st time I have actually looked forward to AF arriving since.. well since forever! I knew it was going to come a few days early this month, I have been horridly grumpy and moody for the last little while lol.

So, we are now on our way.. bring on mood swings, emotional breakdowns and heartache, stress and nervousness!

Strap in, its going to be a bumpy ride.... maybe I should buy the Mr. a safety helmet?

Not a good day

Today I am not having a good day. I feel emotional as all hell and have broken out crying at least 3 times ( in between having random visitors thank god)

Why? I mean I am literally days away from starting on my 1st cycle, things are moving forward and yet I feel utterly hopeless. Ok, so I know the fact that I am absolutely terrified of what will happen to me if the cycle is a failure probably has a huge amount to do with it... to be honest I'm not sure if or how I would get through that. I am trying not to hang all my hopes on this cycle and remain my realistic self, but in the same breath I am trying to stay positive.

To make matters worse the Mr. doesn't understand why I am like this when we are so close to getting on with it.