Monday, October 18, 2010

I have a dream!

Lately I have been having the most surreal dreams, and not the good kind either... over the last couple of weeks I have had numerous dreams where my wonderful husband had left me and found himself one of them 'fertile' types (go on, I know how you say fertile.. I do it the same, feels good right?) anyway, he had gone and gotten himself a lady who wasn't all broken ass like myself and got her knocked up and I had to keep bumping into them everywhere!! Absolutely shattering. He even told me (in my dream, not for real, he values his life) that I should be happy for him because he finally had what he wanted. I remember waking up from these dreams, the last thing in my head the vision of him rubbing someone else's preggers belly.

I have done enough psychology papers to know exactly what all this means, I think elmo himself could figure it out. But that doesn't make it any more pleasant. The fact of the matter is we all know how much nicer it would have been for him if he had found someone less 'fertility challenged' than myself, someone who blinked and they were pregnant.. no need for clinics and sperm counts, hormones and years of neurosis, breakdowns every couple of weeks and a shite load of needles. could you imagine it?? I wonder if he could, or does.

I guess the guilt of being the one with the "problem" is starting to encroach on my unconscious time, and that just pisses me off. Isn't dealing with it during my awake time enough?!?!

1 comment:

  1. Hey hon, try not to let those thoughts into your head. As my husband once told me when I mentioned that if he'd married someone else he'd have kids by now, he said that he would rather be going through all this with me than be with someone else. He said he married me and therefore it is not 'my' problem, it is 'our' problem regardless of who is the one responsible (in our instance it is me too). I'm sure your husband feels exactly the same! Try not to feel guilty, infertility is not your fault! It just is. (((HUG)))