Good impressions

Today was the day of our appointment with the FS. Now I realise that I must not be the only completely neurotic person here so I will admit freely that I dressed up.. before you all go judging me, think about it, this is the man who is going to impregnate me (fingers crossed) so doing my hair and chucking on some makeup seems like the least I could do? Also I didnt want him to notice the couple of kg's I had put on since I saw him last so.. and now you can judge me... I put on my control briefs that I bought for a friends wedding. Ok ok ok wtf am I doing right? well paranoia had completely set in by that stage and so I thought to hell with it, just run with it.

All in all though the appointment was great. My FS has a slightly crazed mad scientist vibe to him that I dig and is good for a laugh. He gave me oodles of information that he admitted I should have gotten at our last appointment and a date to start on Levlen in just over 2 months. I feel much better about living in limboland now as I know I won't be here forever!

Oh and I even got that magical direct dial number for his nurse.. now I KNOW i'm swimming with the big fish!

What I wouldn't do..

Nope, not for a baby, not even for a holiday on a tropical island or a big shiny boat.. but a damn cup of tea!!! Yes folks you read it here first, I am suffering extreme caffeine withdrawls! Walk in the park I thought, I don't drink coffee and meh whats a few cups of tea a day? I'll tell you what they are, they are the meaning of life thats what!! Milo?!? wtf is this crap? I want tea dammit!! I accidently made myself one yesterday morning, it was pure habit. Nearly cried when I had to tip it out.

Surprisingly I have managed the no fizzy stuff really well, I did however tip a bottle of Coke that was on the bench down the sink yesterday, it was sitting there staring at me while I wrote my assignment and it was either tip it or drink it.. so i tipped it!

We have an appointment with our FS tomorrow, I assume to go over the drug protocols etc in advance and I am extremely nervous about it all, not really sure why but I am. Ahh if only there was some magical relaxing hot drink that would make me feel better about it all.

oh wait... never mind

Dreaming of a dry christmas...

1st off my weekend was the business. Absolutely loved camping as always and thoroughly enjoyed drinking nice wine and good rum and just chilling out reading books and playing cricket etc. The baby crying at 4am like clockwork didn't even phase me, what did however was having the wee bundle thrown into my arms the second I showed up and every time I seemed to have my hands empty (which I soon remedied by trying to have a rum in my hand constantly) anyway, I wasn't expecting it as soon as we got there, I mean heck, there's tents to put up and chilly bins to ice! but no, hold the baby.. crap. My wonderful bestie saw how uncomfortable I was and so took the wee poppit off me the 1st time, which was hilarious in itself as she held him like he was radioactive!

Proud new dad had a T shirt on all weekend that said, and I couldn't make this shit up if I tried, "I make good babies"... seriously. Seriously?!?! *sigh* and poor old Himself, (the Mr.) had to listen to a lecture on how there is no better sound in the world than that of your son crying, and snuffling, and breathing and blah blah blah blah. anyway, safe to say I did feel for the Mr. throughout this but then got over it as I snuck away behind the bushes so I didn't have to hold the baby.

Other than that I had a brilliant weekend away and am now mourning the end of caffeine etc as I know it. I have just put my bottle of Havana Club away in the liquor shelf for what I hope will be a long time.. or possibly to drown my sorrows? either way its terrifying to think that the next time I have a drink from that bottle will either be drowning my poor destroyed self following a failed cycle or to celebrate a new bundle of joy!

Well, spose I should go enjoy my final cup of blissful tea, and tomorrow let the torture begin....

MY weekend

1st off, eek! More of those creepy dreams! I know not to look into them but god they are awful.

Anyway, tomorrow is the day we go camping with newborns and kids (lol and our friends of course) and it is also my last weekend of partaking in the indulgence of alcohol and caffeine. So I have decided that this weekend I am going to live it up and do all the naughty stuff I can't do anymore after this weekend. Should be interesting, no doubt the Mr. will not be impressed but heck, I am making this my weekend to relax and enjoy myself before the real stress of IVF etc kicks in cos I know that we really havn't even touched the surface of it yet.

So this is my gift to myself, a weekend of hangovers and good times with some of my closest friends. For all the stress of being around the babies etc I am actually quite looking forward to it now!!

People in the know...

My latest worry (lol add it to the list) is the amount of people who know about our cycle. Ideally I would prefer it if the only ones who knew were a few very close family and friends, unfortunately this is not the case. Due to a loose tongue around my leave requests at work most of my colleagues now know what is happening (don't get me started on that one) and because of how excited we were when our cycle was bumped a few months up the list, our friends also know because news that good you just can't keep to yourself!!! I know it's not the end of the world but in hindsight I definitely would have prefered to keep it to a couple of people that we can rely on and trust.

Also, originally I didn't really have a vent space like I do now, both here and on a couple of great online forums/groups. So I think the next cycle, if we need it (fingers, toes and everything else I can think of crossed that we don't!!) there will only be a small handful of people who know what is going on.

Anyway, as I said.. bugger all I can do about it now!

I have a dream!

Lately I have been having the most surreal dreams, and not the good kind either... over the last couple of weeks I have had numerous dreams where my wonderful husband had left me and found himself one of them 'fertile' types (go on, I know how you say fertile.. I do it the same, feels good right?) anyway, he had gone and gotten himself a lady who wasn't all broken ass like myself and got her knocked up and I had to keep bumping into them everywhere!! Absolutely shattering. He even told me (in my dream, not for real, he values his life) that I should be happy for him because he finally had what he wanted. I remember waking up from these dreams, the last thing in my head the vision of him rubbing someone else's preggers belly.

I have done enough psychology papers to know exactly what all this means, I think elmo himself could figure it out. But that doesn't make it any more pleasant. The fact of the matter is we all know how much nicer it would have been for him if he had found someone less 'fertility challenged' than myself, someone who blinked and they were pregnant.. no need for clinics and sperm counts, hormones and years of neurosis, breakdowns every couple of weeks and a shite load of needles. could you imagine it?? I wonder if he could, or does.

I guess the guilt of being the one with the "problem" is starting to encroach on my unconscious time, and that just pisses me off. Isn't dealing with it during my awake time enough?!?!

International Baby Loss day

I have managed to not think about this all day while at work (thanks to it being ridiculously busy) but when I sat down to do some study tonight I saw a friend had sent me a message saying she was thinking of me and all that jazz and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Don't get me wrong, I don't need a special day to remember my angels, but when I went on to another online forum to have a read and waded through the hundred odd messages to lost babies I did lose it a bit. I have my own days, granted, one of which for our wee angel who would have been three this December just happens to fall on the day after our wedding anniversary. But seeing all those people grieving their lost little ones just upset me to no end.

I apologize for the mushy gross emotions that seem to have leaked from somewhere, I cannot promise that such a thing will not happen again.. but I will turn the computer off and go to bed now, it seems to be the best idea

Arohanui to all my fellow parents of angels.

Bipolar much?

The worst thing for me about this whole "infertility" thing is the emotional ups and downs involved. One day you're fine, things are ticking along and you're coping pretty darn well with everything, and then the next; BANG! you're an emotional wreck.. and for no good reason!

The last two days I have been getting increasingly upset over one particular point.. and its absolutely nothing I can change and something we have been dealing with for a while. But all of a sudden its really really pissing me off. 

When we first starting TTC (like a million years ago) it was all about us, together, making something special and amazing and it was the best feeling in the world just making the decision to do it. But now, its clinical, out of our hands, and my husbands theory is out of our minds (insert tui ad here) until our time has come. When we talk about having a baby now its all if's and maybe's, medications and clinic appointments, fear and doubt. Thats when we talk about it, which isnt all that much at the moment cos the Mr. is busy building our benchtop and kitchen for the new house. Gone are the romantic feelings of how our pregnancy will go, and plans for when the baby comes. 

So yes, I realise that this is par for the course and I am not the only one going through it, but believe it or not... that doesnt make me fell any better. What can I do about it? Sweet bugger all. 

The other thing thats got me spinning is the fact that our cycle is getting closer and closer. To say that I am scared is an understatement, I am excited, nervous, terrified, itching to get started and scared to even think about it! 

My brain hurts.

Operation; Get Skinny!!!

When I first met my husband I was tiny, of course after 5 years of TTC stress, a healthier (ahem) lifestyle, study, and shiftwork, that is now no longer the case. So while I realise that I am older now and I will probably never be able to get down to the NZ size 8 I once was, a few kg's off won't hurt at all!! And so begins operation; get skinny.

I think this is going to be a lot harder than giving up booze, caffeine and any control over my emotions.. in fact I think this may be the make or break of my marriage. I love chocolate, serious chocoholic right here, and on night shifts around 4am is when everyone breaks out the chocolate and home baking so that is going to be a true test of my dedication to the cause. I am also a sucker for dessert, as soon as dinner is done I crave something sweet. I can often get away with just having a cup of tea which is good.. but wait, shit.. I have to give those up in a couple of weeks, hmmm this really is going to be hard and I havn't even touched on the exercise part yet!!

Ah yes exercise, I figure that spending my days and nights running around the hospital and saving peoples lives *shines halo* is enough exercise for me, but apparently my figure doesn't agree. To be honest half my day is spent getting sworn at or spat on by my adoring patients (I wont mention any other type of bodily fluids for fear of gross out factor) and so by the time I get home from being the worlds doormat the thought of going for a walk or jumping on the cross trainer is like asking me to cut off my feet... actually by the time I get home cutting my feet off would probably be a relief.

Anyway, these things I am now going to have to do because we all know that maintaining a healthy weight range is beneficial to the IVF process. So goodbye pudding every second night and goodbye 4am pick me ups and resting my feet and hello to starvation and fatigue!

Oh yeah, this is going to go well!

Caffeine.... its everywhere!

The closer this cycle gets the more I have been thinking about the no caffeine thing, even when I'm trying not to I can't escape it. I was on a site reading up on the pro's and cons of selenium and in big bold letters CAFFEINE PROMOTES INFERTILITY... yeah yeah we all know, bloody crack addicts can get pregnant but in order for me to do it I have to quit drinking caffeine. blah.

Originally when told this from our fertility specialist it didn't bother me at all, too easy! I have never been a coffee drinker and to be honest the taste of it makes me want to hurl. But now that I am actively thinking about the diet changes I have to make for IVF I have realised that I am a caffeine junkie! I drink about 6 or 7 cups of tea a day, and I wont even touch on my V addiction (for fear of the mr realising just how much money I spend of giant cans of V) and as for my ultimate favourite, Coca Cola!! (not that pansy coke zero or diet coke either) well. need I say more?

In my defense, what little of one I have, I am a shift worker and my mornings start early, my evenings go late and the night shifts... well the night shifts last all night duh! So caffeine in any form (other than coffee. Blurk!) is all I have to keep me going. surely replacing it with chocolate won't do me any good... will it?

I know that there are others out there like me, a fellow infertility blogger has a number of blog posts purely on fighting her coffee addiction. Although I cannot claim to be a coffee addict like our dear maybe baby writer, I will claim the terribly unhealthy carbonated caffeine drink and ridiculous tea drinking addiction that I never even knew I had until now. Thanks IVF, you managed to find yet another flaw in my wonderfully infertile self *insert eye roll here*

Forget the meds, I reckon its living a caffeine free life that makes women doing a cycle of IVF go postal on their husbands.

Pessimist or realist?

A large part of TTC and IVF is not getting your hopes up. But when does that switch over to the land of pessimism? Now I’m a realist, always have been and so I tend to take the ‘err on the side of caution’ route most times anyway. But for some reason, even with the reassurance we have received from out fertility specialist, I just cannot see myself at the end of this infertility struggle coming out on top. I sure as hell know I’m not the only one!

We get wrapped up in basal temps, down regulating and timing all our medications. With scans and blood tests, two week waits and follow up appointments. We are already trying to find the money for private cycles before we have even started our public ones and starting our adoption portfolios so we can get them in the pool as soon as the blood tests come back negative.

So am I being cynical and morose or am I a realist? The waiting process is slowly turning me batty I can tell you that for certain