The tornado that is my life.

Apologies for lack in updates, my world has been a whirlwind of action lately!

Tomorrow is moving day into our brand spanking new house, this has been both exciting and stressful! I hate packing and I hate it even more in 34 degree heat. So we have been at action stations getting everything done over the last couple of weeks.

On the IVF front it has been a whole other kind of whirlwind... Had our appointment on the 17th to pick up drugs and sign consent forms etc etc and our FS had forgotten the meds, and his computer wasn't working at all (he was going to go over our blood and scan results with us in detail to go over the change in protocol etc) so it was a complete waste of time. He made a joke (YES A FUCKING JOKE) about how I might want to look into my younger sister as an egg donor, Ummm I have 7 brothers.... ain't none of them got any eggs. So as this was the 1st mention of the increased possibility of me needing egg donors I was instantly put into a state of shock. I know it shouldn't have alarmed me so much as I had done some reading on elevated FSH and low AMH etc but the way it was tackled just threw me on the defensive and upset me no end. The appointment lasted all of 10 minutes and then I had to go to work, where while on the floor dealing with sick patients the reality of it all set in and I had my 1st post appt freak out (yes there have been more than one).

So I finally got my drugs on Monday and thats very cool, makes me feel like I am getting somewhere but I have this awful feeling. In the medical field there is a specific time where a person has, quite literally, an impending feeling of doom. Often this precedes a massive MI, or heart attack. Sounds bizarre but its true, there are a few other things too but I don't need to cover that lot. Anyway, what was I talking about? oh yeah, my own little feeling of doom... Up until these blood results our perceived fertility problems were related to my tubal scarring and inability to get said egg to the right spot. But now, oh now we have a whole new world of problems! So I have gone from having nothing but positive thoughts about how IVF was going to work, to an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that just won't go away. I try not to be all doom and gloom but it's stopping me from sleeping now and I can barely concentrate at work and I know this is all normal crazy IVF stuff but I am really struggling to deal with it at the moment.

On a brighter note, the Mr has just booked tickets to Malaysia to watch the F1 in April. So I am either going to KL preggers or its something to look forward to if the cycle doesn't work.

Big week.

This week in the year is always an emotional one, on one hand I am a total christmas fiend and I start getting mighty excited by around the 10th of December. The 13th of December is our wedding anniversary which is fantastic and then the 14th, today, is a more somber anniversary.

Today was meant to be my due date for our wee baby that ended up as an ectopic pregnancy. He or she would have been 3 this year. I spend this day wondering what if? Wondering if there was anything I could have done differently and what our life might have been like if things had turned out right. I know this kind of thinking is not productive, but I can't help it.

To totally top this all off I have been on night shifts so slept through most of my anniversary and then on that evening came down with some kind of bug where I have been throwing up and my ears and throat hurt like hell.

Feeling rather sorry for myself today.

Let there be DATES!!

FS nurse phoned me this morning to inform me that my latest lot of bloods show an increased FSH and a slightly low AMH. I would have thought they might have shown up last time I had bloods taken but oh well.

Anyway, due to this new information coming to light my cycle has been changed to a micro flare protocol, so I have dates!! I am going to start buserelin injections twice a day on the 5th of Jan and then introduce Gonal F on the 7th. I will have a blood test on the 10th to see how I am responding and if all is going well It will be a scan around the 12th and egg collection around the 17th.

This is a lot for my poor little self to take in, I think I am so used to the dreaded wait that I never actually thought anything was going to happen.

So now I have to wake myself up from my little world and get organised!

Day One!!

Yes thats right, day fricken one!
It is the official first day of our IVF cycle. This somehow makes the excruciatingly painful few days that is my AF slightly more bearable. I mean, this is the 1st time I have actually looked forward to AF arriving since.. well since forever! I knew it was going to come a few days early this month, I have been horridly grumpy and moody for the last little while lol.

So, we are now on our way.. bring on mood swings, emotional breakdowns and heartache, stress and nervousness!

Strap in, its going to be a bumpy ride.... maybe I should buy the Mr. a safety helmet?

Not a good day

Today I am not having a good day. I feel emotional as all hell and have broken out crying at least 3 times ( in between having random visitors thank god)

Why? I mean I am literally days away from starting on my 1st cycle, things are moving forward and yet I feel utterly hopeless. Ok, so I know the fact that I am absolutely terrified of what will happen to me if the cycle is a failure probably has a huge amount to do with it... to be honest I'm not sure if or how I would get through that. I am trying not to hang all my hopes on this cycle and remain my realistic self, but in the same breath I am trying to stay positive.

To make matters worse the Mr. doesn't understand why I am like this when we are so close to getting on with it.

Life without chaos??

The closer we get to starting our cycle the more appointments, tests, meetings etc there are to have and the less I am able to live in my creatively chaotic world. Don't get me wrong, I like to know whats going on as much as the next guy but I am absolutely useless at being organized! I have never kept a diary to keep up with appointments, I keep a stash of scrap paper with things written on them in my pockets, I utilize the brilliant memory god gave me to remember at 4pm... hmm wasn't there something I was meant to be doing today??

Well that is no more! Turns out my smartphone (HTC google phone for fellow techies who care) is for more than just going on facebook and playing games! Its has a life organizer, which is good since my life is in dire need of organizing at the moment. I have just gone through all my little scraps of paper and notes on my work roster and put in all the appointments and tests I have coming up, I can even set a little alarm for half an hour or so before so I don't forget. LOL and they say you can't teach an old dog new tricks!

The thought of giving up my 'float in the breeze, I don't need no organization' lifestyle is somewhat sad. However I have no doubt it is the best news in the world for my dear Mr. who gets ridiculously frustrated with how all over the place and last minute I can be.

Right, now I am going to see if this 'smartphone' can fold my washing...

Who's that girl?

I have recently had a bit of a wake up call. This TTC, Infertility, IVF 'joyride' that we are on takes over your entire existence. When going through it you live and breathe it, from the food you eat, to crossing the street when you see that friend of yours who has managed to have 3 kids while you have been ttc and is pregnant again. Tv ads make you cry, as do any shows or movies with even the hint of a baby or pregnancy, my job is a particular kind of hell that maybe deserves its own blog post at some stage.

Anyway, recently an old friend went into hospital because she was unable to keep anything down (17 weeks pregnant) and I didn't go up to see her because, well lets face it, people get admitted to hospital for rehydration therapy all the time and I didnt want to go up there and hear all about her MS etc (yes, I work in the hospital... I can feel your judgy eyes already) and I was sitting at work and I realised that she was on day 10 of her admission, now thats not right.. so up to the ward I wander to find her being tube fed with a nasogastric tube (tube from nose to stomach) and with a picc line (long term IV site) and weighing a good 20kg less than the last time I saw her (she was already a small girl). Well you can colour me stupid. I had let all my shit get so caught up in my head that I didn't actually see what was going on. Don't I just feel like the worlds worst friend.

Now, and this is not to redeem myself at all, I already know I am way beyond that... This friend and I havn't been overly close of late, since she got pregnant with her last child she took a huge step away from me as a friend and there was bugger all I could do about it. So she never told me quite how bad it was, BUT thats her deal and not mine, I have never been that friend, the one who never visits when someone is sick etc. I am the one who drops everything to help people out, I'm the sucker who goes and sits with a patient who is scared and alone when I am meant to be on my dinner break. I'm THAT girl.

So how did I get to be THIS girl?!?!?

I hate you infertility for turning me into a person that I barely recognize.

Everyone has an opinion

Urghhh. You know how EVERYONE has a story or a piece of advice when you are struggling to conceive? Well since someone at my work has no idea what privacy is and had let it slip about us doing IVF etc I have had an influx of bullshit advice telling me what we are doing wrong or need to be doing.

I mean seriously, I am so sure that with my blocked tubes and 5 years of trying that your  (enter random vitamin, herb, food, drink here) will totally help me.. whats that? you decided last month to TTC and after taking this vitamin/herb/food/drink you are pregnant!! WOW thanks for your totally useless helpful advice!

Do these people actually think I want to hear their stories? Oh and to the workmate of mine who recently came up to me to tell me that "you don't want a baby, they keep you up all night and don't do anything but put an end to your social life" Are you for freaking real?!?!? I have been doing pretty well lately with my tolerance of idiots but its starting to get more and more difficult.

I need to get me some dumbass repellent.

Update

Well a lot has been happening in the last week, right in the middle of it being all go with our new house build and me finishing my latest Uni paper and being on night shifts we got a call from the clinic saying they wanted to move our cycle forward. So! now I start on meds on day one in December which is only a few weeks away!! there was a mad rush from the clinic to get a few more blood tests in and an ultrasound which somehow managed to slip through the cracks and be missed on our last appointment. I have not even had time to stress or freak out about this change in plan due to our lives being completely crazy at the moment. The Mr. got a big promotion last week and is now the boss, so I have my hands full trying to keep his feet on the ground ;)

We have decided also that we will not be telling anyone about us starting earlier (other than you lot of course) because we figured the less people that know the less hovering we will get over the 2ww and beyond if they don't even know we have started yet!! lol now I just have to try and keep the hormones under check and we might just get away with it! The Mr. has told his dad who is on the other side of the world and not very well at the moment so could do with some cheering up we figured.

ohhh man is my mum going to be pissed when she finds out lol

The great test.

Apparently being the sadist that I am I decided that I was doing too well with the no alcohol, no caffeine, no yum food, no reason to live buzz that we have been on, and I must have thought the Mr. was doing too well with it too as I agreed to let our bestie throw a bbq at our place so he could introduce us all to his new girlfriend.

Scene; A hot sunny Saturday afternoon, we've been working in the garden and the Mr in the garage and we are having a bbq on the nice sunny deck. The boys all have beers, the girls wine, another friend has their 3 month old baby and besties new girlfriend is a smoker... AWESOME

Not having booze hasn't been too bad so far, I'm not a big drinker anyway but as summer gets closer there is nothing better than a cold drink after a hard day. I quit smoking for all this TTC, of course quitting had to be done, but I am the first person to admit that I really really liked smoking. Like really really!

Arghh and then there's the baby, she's adorable but it was just the straw the broke the camels back, I managed to hold her for a little while but all of it together was just a bit too much so I kept finding things that needed doing inside so I could avoid it all.

Safe to say the besties new girlfriend probably now thinks I don't like her, or just that I'm some grumpy unsocial bitch. Either way I managed to get through the whole thing and the days after without a single breakdown. So I am one happy unsocial grumpy bitch!

High five for progress!

Best. Day. Ever!

Today has been a brilliant day, after a pretty ugly weekend and start to the week at work today was my day off and I managed to finish my last assignment and therefore my whole paper! So provided that I pass, of which I am quietly confident, then I am taking the next year at least off study, hopefully longer. I do like to study and do my post grad but the stress of it all has really taken its toll on me this time round so I am looking forward to a break.

So you would think that would be enough to have me bouncing off the walls with glee, but wait.. there's more!! Last night a workmate of mine brought me some South African caffeine free tea bags. Rooibos, which she assures me is Afrikaans for red bush which is the plant they are made out of and not some weird animal like the word sounds. It smells like.. hmm, the closest thing I can come up with is a mixture of hay molasses, kinda reminds me of the smell of our old school hall when it was all set up for craft fairs and the like (yes I went to a small country school so it probably just smelled like that most of the time really).

Anyway I have put off trying it all day because it really does smell bad and I havn't quite been that hard up yet. But then this afternoon I had a chocolate brownie (a small one I promise) and suddenly I felt like I would die without a cup of tea! So I tentatively made myself a cup and prepared for the worst cup of tea in my life. Turns out its pretty darn good! not quite normal tea, don't get me wrong, but I think after a couple more cups I won't even be able to tell the difference. My main problem was more the smell than the taste as it still has that country fair hay bale smell about it, but again, once I had gotten going I didn't even notice it anymore. The Mr. however was none impressed and went back to his cup of glorious normal tea.

Yes I know I have just written nearly 400 words on tea. I don't know if it's a case of small things and small minds, or the fact that if you deprive yourself of enough eventually you will crack and blog about tea bags.

Good impressions

Today was the day of our appointment with the FS. Now I realise that I must not be the only completely neurotic person here so I will admit freely that I dressed up.. before you all go judging me, think about it, this is the man who is going to impregnate me (fingers crossed) so doing my hair and chucking on some makeup seems like the least I could do? Also I didnt want him to notice the couple of kg's I had put on since I saw him last so.. and now you can judge me... I put on my control briefs that I bought for a friends wedding. Ok ok ok wtf am I doing right? well paranoia had completely set in by that stage and so I thought to hell with it, just run with it.

All in all though the appointment was great. My FS has a slightly crazed mad scientist vibe to him that I dig and is good for a laugh. He gave me oodles of information that he admitted I should have gotten at our last appointment and a date to start on Levlen in just over 2 months. I feel much better about living in limboland now as I know I won't be here forever!

Oh and I even got that magical direct dial number for his nurse.. now I KNOW i'm swimming with the big fish!

What I wouldn't do..

Nope, not for a baby, not even for a holiday on a tropical island or a big shiny boat.. but a damn cup of tea!!! Yes folks you read it here first, I am suffering extreme caffeine withdrawls! Walk in the park I thought, I don't drink coffee and meh whats a few cups of tea a day? I'll tell you what they are, they are the meaning of life thats what!! Milo?!? wtf is this crap? I want tea dammit!! I accidently made myself one yesterday morning, it was pure habit. Nearly cried when I had to tip it out.

Surprisingly I have managed the no fizzy stuff really well, I did however tip a bottle of Coke that was on the bench down the sink yesterday, it was sitting there staring at me while I wrote my assignment and it was either tip it or drink it.. so i tipped it!

We have an appointment with our FS tomorrow, I assume to go over the drug protocols etc in advance and I am extremely nervous about it all, not really sure why but I am. Ahh if only there was some magical relaxing hot drink that would make me feel better about it all.

oh wait... never mind

Dreaming of a dry christmas...

1st off my weekend was the business. Absolutely loved camping as always and thoroughly enjoyed drinking nice wine and good rum and just chilling out reading books and playing cricket etc. The baby crying at 4am like clockwork didn't even phase me, what did however was having the wee bundle thrown into my arms the second I showed up and every time I seemed to have my hands empty (which I soon remedied by trying to have a rum in my hand constantly) anyway, I wasn't expecting it as soon as we got there, I mean heck, there's tents to put up and chilly bins to ice! but no, hold the baby.. crap. My wonderful bestie saw how uncomfortable I was and so took the wee poppit off me the 1st time, which was hilarious in itself as she held him like he was radioactive!

Proud new dad had a T shirt on all weekend that said, and I couldn't make this shit up if I tried, "I make good babies"... seriously. Seriously?!?! *sigh* and poor old Himself, (the Mr.) had to listen to a lecture on how there is no better sound in the world than that of your son crying, and snuffling, and breathing and blah blah blah blah. anyway, safe to say I did feel for the Mr. throughout this but then got over it as I snuck away behind the bushes so I didn't have to hold the baby.

Other than that I had a brilliant weekend away and am now mourning the end of caffeine etc as I know it. I have just put my bottle of Havana Club away in the liquor shelf for what I hope will be a long time.. or possibly to drown my sorrows? either way its terrifying to think that the next time I have a drink from that bottle will either be drowning my poor destroyed self following a failed cycle or to celebrate a new bundle of joy!

Well, spose I should go enjoy my final cup of blissful tea, and tomorrow let the torture begin....

MY weekend

1st off, eek! More of those creepy dreams! I know not to look into them but god they are awful.

Anyway, tomorrow is the day we go camping with newborns and kids (lol and our friends of course) and it is also my last weekend of partaking in the indulgence of alcohol and caffeine. So I have decided that this weekend I am going to live it up and do all the naughty stuff I can't do anymore after this weekend. Should be interesting, no doubt the Mr. will not be impressed but heck, I am making this my weekend to relax and enjoy myself before the real stress of IVF etc kicks in cos I know that we really havn't even touched the surface of it yet.

So this is my gift to myself, a weekend of hangovers and good times with some of my closest friends. For all the stress of being around the babies etc I am actually quite looking forward to it now!!

People in the know...

My latest worry (lol add it to the list) is the amount of people who know about our cycle. Ideally I would prefer it if the only ones who knew were a few very close family and friends, unfortunately this is not the case. Due to a loose tongue around my leave requests at work most of my colleagues now know what is happening (don't get me started on that one) and because of how excited we were when our cycle was bumped a few months up the list, our friends also know because news that good you just can't keep to yourself!!! I know it's not the end of the world but in hindsight I definitely would have prefered to keep it to a couple of people that we can rely on and trust.

Also, originally I didn't really have a vent space like I do now, both here and on a couple of great online forums/groups. So I think the next cycle, if we need it (fingers, toes and everything else I can think of crossed that we don't!!) there will only be a small handful of people who know what is going on.

Anyway, as I said.. bugger all I can do about it now!

I have a dream!

Lately I have been having the most surreal dreams, and not the good kind either... over the last couple of weeks I have had numerous dreams where my wonderful husband had left me and found himself one of them 'fertile' types (go on, I know how you say fertile.. I do it the same, feels good right?) anyway, he had gone and gotten himself a lady who wasn't all broken ass like myself and got her knocked up and I had to keep bumping into them everywhere!! Absolutely shattering. He even told me (in my dream, not for real, he values his life) that I should be happy for him because he finally had what he wanted. I remember waking up from these dreams, the last thing in my head the vision of him rubbing someone else's preggers belly.

I have done enough psychology papers to know exactly what all this means, I think elmo himself could figure it out. But that doesn't make it any more pleasant. The fact of the matter is we all know how much nicer it would have been for him if he had found someone less 'fertility challenged' than myself, someone who blinked and they were pregnant.. no need for clinics and sperm counts, hormones and years of neurosis, breakdowns every couple of weeks and a shite load of needles. could you imagine it?? I wonder if he could, or does.

I guess the guilt of being the one with the "problem" is starting to encroach on my unconscious time, and that just pisses me off. Isn't dealing with it during my awake time enough?!?!

International Baby Loss day

I have managed to not think about this all day while at work (thanks to it being ridiculously busy) but when I sat down to do some study tonight I saw a friend had sent me a message saying she was thinking of me and all that jazz and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Don't get me wrong, I don't need a special day to remember my angels, but when I went on to another online forum to have a read and waded through the hundred odd messages to lost babies I did lose it a bit. I have my own days, granted, one of which for our wee angel who would have been three this December just happens to fall on the day after our wedding anniversary. But seeing all those people grieving their lost little ones just upset me to no end.

I apologize for the mushy gross emotions that seem to have leaked from somewhere, I cannot promise that such a thing will not happen again.. but I will turn the computer off and go to bed now, it seems to be the best idea

Arohanui to all my fellow parents of angels.

Bipolar much?

The worst thing for me about this whole "infertility" thing is the emotional ups and downs involved. One day you're fine, things are ticking along and you're coping pretty darn well with everything, and then the next; BANG! you're an emotional wreck.. and for no good reason!

The last two days I have been getting increasingly upset over one particular point.. and its absolutely nothing I can change and something we have been dealing with for a while. But all of a sudden its really really pissing me off. 

When we first starting TTC (like a million years ago) it was all about us, together, making something special and amazing and it was the best feeling in the world just making the decision to do it. But now, its clinical, out of our hands, and my husbands theory is out of our minds (insert tui ad here) until our time has come. When we talk about having a baby now its all if's and maybe's, medications and clinic appointments, fear and doubt. Thats when we talk about it, which isnt all that much at the moment cos the Mr. is busy building our benchtop and kitchen for the new house. Gone are the romantic feelings of how our pregnancy will go, and plans for when the baby comes. 

So yes, I realise that this is par for the course and I am not the only one going through it, but believe it or not... that doesnt make me fell any better. What can I do about it? Sweet bugger all. 

The other thing thats got me spinning is the fact that our cycle is getting closer and closer. To say that I am scared is an understatement, I am excited, nervous, terrified, itching to get started and scared to even think about it! 

My brain hurts.

Operation; Get Skinny!!!

When I first met my husband I was tiny, of course after 5 years of TTC stress, a healthier (ahem) lifestyle, study, and shiftwork, that is now no longer the case. So while I realise that I am older now and I will probably never be able to get down to the NZ size 8 I once was, a few kg's off won't hurt at all!! And so begins operation; get skinny.

I think this is going to be a lot harder than giving up booze, caffeine and any control over my emotions.. in fact I think this may be the make or break of my marriage. I love chocolate, serious chocoholic right here, and on night shifts around 4am is when everyone breaks out the chocolate and home baking so that is going to be a true test of my dedication to the cause. I am also a sucker for dessert, as soon as dinner is done I crave something sweet. I can often get away with just having a cup of tea which is good.. but wait, shit.. I have to give those up in a couple of weeks, hmmm this really is going to be hard and I havn't even touched on the exercise part yet!!

Ah yes exercise, I figure that spending my days and nights running around the hospital and saving peoples lives *shines halo* is enough exercise for me, but apparently my figure doesn't agree. To be honest half my day is spent getting sworn at or spat on by my adoring patients (I wont mention any other type of bodily fluids for fear of gross out factor) and so by the time I get home from being the worlds doormat the thought of going for a walk or jumping on the cross trainer is like asking me to cut off my feet... actually by the time I get home cutting my feet off would probably be a relief.

Anyway, these things I am now going to have to do because we all know that maintaining a healthy weight range is beneficial to the IVF process. So goodbye pudding every second night and goodbye 4am pick me ups and resting my feet and hello to starvation and fatigue!

Oh yeah, this is going to go well!

Caffeine.... its everywhere!

The closer this cycle gets the more I have been thinking about the no caffeine thing, even when I'm trying not to I can't escape it. I was on a site reading up on the pro's and cons of selenium and in big bold letters CAFFEINE PROMOTES INFERTILITY... yeah yeah we all know, bloody crack addicts can get pregnant but in order for me to do it I have to quit drinking caffeine. blah.

Originally when told this from our fertility specialist it didn't bother me at all, too easy! I have never been a coffee drinker and to be honest the taste of it makes me want to hurl. But now that I am actively thinking about the diet changes I have to make for IVF I have realised that I am a caffeine junkie! I drink about 6 or 7 cups of tea a day, and I wont even touch on my V addiction (for fear of the mr realising just how much money I spend of giant cans of V) and as for my ultimate favourite, Coca Cola!! (not that pansy coke zero or diet coke either) well. need I say more?

In my defense, what little of one I have, I am a shift worker and my mornings start early, my evenings go late and the night shifts... well the night shifts last all night duh! So caffeine in any form (other than coffee. Blurk!) is all I have to keep me going. surely replacing it with chocolate won't do me any good... will it?

I know that there are others out there like me, a fellow infertility blogger has a number of blog posts purely on fighting her coffee addiction. Although I cannot claim to be a coffee addict like our dear maybe baby writer, I will claim the terribly unhealthy carbonated caffeine drink and ridiculous tea drinking addiction that I never even knew I had until now. Thanks IVF, you managed to find yet another flaw in my wonderfully infertile self *insert eye roll here*

Forget the meds, I reckon its living a caffeine free life that makes women doing a cycle of IVF go postal on their husbands.

Pessimist or realist?

A large part of TTC and IVF is not getting your hopes up. But when does that switch over to the land of pessimism? Now I’m a realist, always have been and so I tend to take the ‘err on the side of caution’ route most times anyway. But for some reason, even with the reassurance we have received from out fertility specialist, I just cannot see myself at the end of this infertility struggle coming out on top. I sure as hell know I’m not the only one!

We get wrapped up in basal temps, down regulating and timing all our medications. With scans and blood tests, two week waits and follow up appointments. We are already trying to find the money for private cycles before we have even started our public ones and starting our adoption portfolios so we can get them in the pool as soon as the blood tests come back negative.

So am I being cynical and morose or am I a realist? The waiting process is slowly turning me batty I can tell you that for certain

What have you done?

When TTC you try to fill your time with things to keep yourself occupied and sane. Here's my list

I completely changed careers. I went from managing bars and night clubs to studying full time towards my bachelor of health and science with the plan to cut down to part time or take a break and come back to it when we got preggers (HA!) of course it's safe to say I completed my degree full time to become an RN and specialized in Emergency and Trauma nursing. I am now a few weeks off finishing my Post Graduate certificate and moving on to my post grad diploma.

I planned our wedding and we tied the knot in December of 2008.

Had major knee surgery which put me on my back for over 3 weeks and in a wheelchair for 8, I wasnt able to return to work for 14 weeks and even then it was on light duties.

Went on an amazing weeks holiday in Rarotonga this April which was just what I needed!!

I have watched a huge number of my friends have babies all around me, one of them has had 3 since I started TTC!!!

We have spent the last year and a half planning our house build and it is now full speed ahead, our new house already has walls! lol lots of things to plan and do to keep myself occupied with that one.

Thats just a small amount of the bits and bobs we've been doing.

So my question for those of you who are also riding this infertility wave, what have you done to keep yourself going?

Aunty Wino

Isn't it funny how the thing we want most in life.. those adorable little miracles, when not ours, can ruin our lives?
Ok so 'ruining our lives' is a little melodramatic, but they sure do add a bit of pressure. Take for example this coming Labour weekend... we're going camping. Camping is our absolute favourite thing in the world to do and why not? it's relaxing, fun, you have all the benefits of the great outdoors along side any luxury items you might want to drag along with you. For me its my wine glasses... now the mr doesn't think I need two different types of wine glasses for camping but I say to hell with it, I enjoy drinking wine out of the glass it is meant to be drunk.

Anyway, I digress.. This Labour weekend we are going camping with a few friends, remember my post 'operation new baby'? yeah... them. Also coming along will be my friends partners kids, one is 5 and the other is 2 and my friends sister and her husband who have a one year old. So you can see where the 'ruining of lives' comes into play.

Now don't get me wrong, I love this baby to pieces, surrogate 'aunty' right here. I just don't know how I am going to cope for 4 days of basically living with him, and the hundred and one other kids that will be there.

Also this will be my last weekend for indulging any form of alcohol and caffeine as we have made October our cut off date for these.

Something tells me I am going to turn into that aunty who sits in the corner and is always drunk and reeking of stale wine.

The big positive

An old friend of mine has just announced on facebook that she is pregnant... very very early pregnant, think still has 5 weeks until the end of the 1st trimester. She's not the 1st I've noticed doing this lately. This got me to thinking, do people really announce these things so early?! or is my cynical infertile brain and uterus just so badly messed up from this, for want of a better word, "journey" that the thought of not having a gazillion blood tests and doctors visits to confirm before announcing it terrifies the crap out of me?

Fertile Positive: test once, positive, tell everyone.

Infertile Positive: Two week wait, pessaries (ick), check toilet paper obsessively, tune body in for pregnancy symptoms, get every pseudo symptom known to man, pee on multiple pregnancy tests, take basal temp daily, blood test, positive! hold breath and dont get hopes up, disbelief, anxiety, more blood tests, nerves, fear,sleepless nights, tell nobody.. spend the next 3 months waiting for it all to get taken away again.

The cold hard facts

Approximately 10-15% of couples suffer from infertility. Multiple studies have shown that women undergoing IVF treatment experience high levels of stress, depression, and anxiety. To add to that lovely tidbit, studies show that there is a strong correlation between depressive symptoms and retrieved oocytes, the higher the depression score the less the oocytes. Awesome right?

So, get depressed as a result of infertility and the circus involved in IVF and you will end up with less embryos?!? fan bloody tastic.

But wait there's more, women with higher depression rates and anxiety have much lower pregnancy rates in general. Oh and then there's the study that shows that women who cope poorly with stress during fertility treatment have a much higher rate of miscarriage during their 1st trimester.  Wowsa

Lets not forget the data that shows women who are successful with their fertility treatment are much much more likely to suffer from postnatal depressive syndrome, and something that has been reported to me from fellow infertility sufferers is that during their pregnancies women who have had to rely on fertility treatment to become pregnant often feel guilty when they are feeling unwell and wanting to complain during pregnancy and also feel like they can never complain when going through the many sleepless nights associated with a newborn.

So basically we're screwed.. it really doesnt matter which way you look at it.

The new four letter word, the WAIT!!

Worth the wait... well of course if successful a cycle of IVF is worth the wait, but try thinking along those lines when you're the one waiting! We still have over 5 months to go before we are due for our egg pick up, now most people in our family and friends have said numerous time, the time will fly by! It will be your turn in no time at all! 

Yeah?

Bollocks

Those who have been or are in this situation know that every painstaking second that passes is felt. Every TV ad for baby gear, every pregnancy announcement and birth just hit it home even harder. While discussing this with our very good friend who couldn't quite understand why a friends recent baby news had rocked me as much as it did, I used the metaphor that, when you buy yourself a new car suddenly you see the same model everywhere! Well when waiting for your turn to attempt to have a baby suddenly you are completely surrounded by it. I cant even watch my favourite TV shows without having babies and pregnancy forced down my throat. 

So time will fly by? I dont think so, most days it feels like walking in mud while blindfolded and listening to crazy frog on my ipod.. slow, painful and ridiculously frustrating!!

dear god, and I havnt even got anywhere near the 2 week wait yet! *cringe*

Operation; New Baby

The other day a friend of mine had her baby and she asked for me to come up and visit.. now bear in mind I only agreed because she is literally my oldest friend, we have known each other pretty much since we were born.

For most people going to visit a new baby is an exciting, small part of their day but for us it was like a military operation.

1st off I spent the entire day stressing out about it, how am I going to handle it? what if I cry? I hope they don't want me to hold him!! and then I moved on to making excuses why I couldn't make it, I had them all prepared on my phone to text, just couldn't push the button.
So after an entire day of backwards and forwards with this stuff I made a decision to go. That seriously took up almost all day. Never mind the millions of other things I had to do, I was busy being neurotic.

The next step in this finely tuned operation was Hubby finishing work early and coming to pick me up... you didn't think I was going to attempt such a mission solo did you? Oh no way, I tried that last year and it didn't end well. He held my hand all the way across the car park and into the lift, I think this was more so I didn't turn around and go home but hey, support is support right? Luckily for me he didn't let go of me while we were in the room either. I might have jumped out the window.

Imagine the one thing you want more than anything.. so bad it hurts just to think about it.. and then put yourself in a room full of them, and full of people gushing over them and how amazing they are. Right. Got it? Now you try and not jump out the window.

Anyway, after a little while of hearing all about everything the proud new dad really really wanted us to hold his new little man. Don't get me wrong, they deserve to be proud he is absolutely gorgeous. However they may not get him back if they let me hold him. So thank heaven for hubby who made some excuse already agreed upon by us in the car on the way, we managed to get out of holding the new bundle of joy and were on our way back across the carpark to go home.

Yes, I spent all day preparing for a 15minute visit.

When we got home we were like a well oiled machine, I went and got into the shower (its where I like to do my crying ok, don't you judge me) and my wonderful husband started cooking dinner. Then we sat down and watched some mindless television before I went to bed to get absolutely no sleep.

Mission accomplished!

Relax and it will happen

5 words that anyone who is struggling to conceive loathes hearing! Now I'm not usually a violent person but the mere mention of this phrase and I want to start inflicting pain. 

Other cringeworthy comments on the ever growing list are;

If you adopt you'll get pregnant!

If you stop thinking about it you'll get pregnant!

If you stop trying you'll get pregnant!

Move house and you'll get pregnant!

And my latest personal favourite which was said to me just the other day; “you’ll get pregnant right when you don’t want to!” because after nearly 5 years of trying there is totally going to be a time where we don’t want to pregnant?!?!? Morons, they’re everywhere.

Ok ok that sounds cynical, and after so long on this path it’s natural to build up this kind of attitude but I must also point out that the majority of the people saying these silly things are saying them with the best intentions. To be honest what do you say to someone who is struggling to get pregnant?

Personally I would go with sincerity, “shit that sux” is always acceptable in my book.. 

Post number ONE!!

Everybody has a mountain to climb at some stage in their life.. apparently where I am going there is a whole range of them in the way. This blog will predominantly focus on our seemingly endless journey through the haze of infertility, probably with a few other bits and pieces thrown into the mix.

Our story; My wonderful hubby and I have been trying to conceive for over 4 ½ gruelling heart breaking years. We have had no luck other than ectopic pregnancies and miscarriages and since the last ectopic in early 2007 not a glimmer. At the moment we are on the national IVF list due for EPU (egg pick up) in Feb 2011, a list we have been on already for over a year. As time gets closer emotions run higher and due to the private and emotional nature of the beast there isn’t a huge amount of places to vent... so! My husband in all his wonderfulness and intelligence (i’ll probably deny those facts later) suggested I start a blog, even if no one reads it, just to put pen to paper so to speak and get it out there.

There are things that will probably be written on here that I don’t speak to even my closest friends about, so if you’re game enough to read it, then i’m game enough to write it.